Happy Birthday!

Hello my sweet little girl! No longer are you a baby.. But you'll always be MY baby!
I know it has been exactly 2 months since I have written on here. I'm sorry for this. I am sorry I have to even have this blog at all. But most of all, I'm sorry that you can't be here with us, celebrating your first birthday. ONE year! I am speechless. I can't believe how fast this year has gone by. Your friend Ember's mommy said it perfectly. "The days are so long, the months are so fast."  I have never heard more truth spoken in one single sentence.

I woke up this morning about 2ish after having a bad dream. I felt horrible. I felt even worse when I looked at the clock and realized what the day was. I knew immediately that 1 year ago that very moment, you were holding on to us. Struggling to save your own life. Had I known how things were going to turn out, I would have told all of those Dr's and nurses to take you off of those machines so you could spend the beginning and end of your life with your family. Right where you belonged.

Saturday we held a memorial for you. It was so beautiful. We released balloons, at cake, and released lanterns, all in your name. You even received a few lovely and very cherished gifts. It turned out to be a really good day, and it was all for you!

I also started a "virtual event" for your birthday on Facebook. I was so amazed that over 2,500 people clicked "Attending" on it. :") This ought to show you how loved you are by everyone!

I hope you are having the most extravagant birthday party heaven has ever seen. Eat lots of cake and get hyped up for Grandma Brita. ;) I'm sure she'll love that! Just know that everyone here misses you soo sooooo soooooooooo much! We're still crying for you.

Mommy loves you baby!!
Have the happiest birthday of all!
LOVE,
Mommy. <3

It's been a long time.

Hey baby girl. It's been a long time since I've written, I know. Mommy went on a great adventure. April 8th I left Alabama on a bus to Iowa. I spent a month in Iowa with our cousin Molly, her husband Neil, and their two babies Natty and Ben while Molly was pregnant with baby Sam. We had a great time. Two days before I got on an airplane to come back home, baby Sam made his appearance. He is a bright-eyed baby boy, with a head full of dark brown hair. Such a beautiful baby boy.

I am back home now. And life is getting so much harder for me it seems. Today marks 10 months since you came and left us. Now, I cry at the drop of a hat. If a song comes on that reminds me of you, I cry. Deep conversations between your daddy and I about you, I cry. Movies (especially Disney) that I know you'll never be able to watch and enjoy, I cry. Even writing this. I'm crying.

Your cousin Addy is now 7 months old. You should be 6. I left for a month, and I come back and she's crawling, and getting around so well on her knees. Pulling her chubby self up on everything she comes across. She's even TALKING now!! She says small words like "Mama" "Dada" and "KarKar" (Mommy, Daddy, and Karson {her big brother}) I even think I heard her say "Nana" yesterday. It is unbelievable how much she has grown. I look at her and think of all the things that you should be here doing. You should be starting to take your first few little steps on your knees. Growing teeth and thick long beautiful hair. Even spitting out baby gibberish like "Mamamamama!" and "Dadadadada!". Our ears will never be graced with your beautiful voice, or the earth shattering sounds of your cry. 10 months, and it's just now hitting me. As a very dear friend told me "The FOG has lifted from you". It is definitely feeling this way.

This past Sunday, May 8th was Mothers Day. It was a very hard day for me, as were the days leading up to it. It was my first Mothers Day, as a mother of an actual baby I gave birth to, yet I had nobody to "celebrate" it with. I was cheated out of yet, another, holiday. My mother is gone in heaven, and my 3 children are in heaven. Going to a grave with an urn full of ashes, is not how I planned my very first Mothers Day as a mother to be. Yet that was my reality.

Grandma Brita, Mommy, and Serenity

I know this is not how the "traditional" Mothers Day thing works, but hey! We're not a very traditional family, are we? I got you a special gift for Mothers Day, Serenity. This gift is one that says "I'm so glad to be your mother, even for a short time, I was so blessed to even know you." I hope you love it. ♥

Princess Piggy!

I love you and miss you so much baby girl! I hope you are having fun in heaven, and I want you to know not a second goes by where I don't think of you.

I know, I've been slacking!

It's been over a month since my last blog. It wasn't on purpose, but the days seems to fly by now-a-days. Life is seeming to get more and more hectic, or my brain is.. I haven't decided which one yet. I am now trying to learn how to cope with the loss of not just one baby, Serenity, but 2 Serenity and Sawyer, in such a short period of time. The one who everyone came to love and know, and the one nobody remembers or acknowledges.

Anyways, a lot has happened since my last blog. Two weeks ago today was my 21st birthday. It was a drag. I sat at home all day, and then stayed home for the evening also. Not eventful at all.

I started a diet.. or "eating better". I have pretty much all of my time and energy going into that, which is good. 3lbs lost so far, in 5 days (or less), and counting! So it's paying off.

When I started I was 200.2. Yesterday when I weighed myself I was 197. My main goal is 145, but less would be nice for my height. It's going to take a lot of work, but I am pretty much figuring I have to do this and I do. Normally I wouldn't just flaunt my weight, but I figure if I'm going to stick to it, then it may take a little embarrassment to push me to get to that not so embarrassing weight. I'm also going to stick a widget on the side -->> so anyone who visits this blog can see my progress, at any time. I will weigh in hopefully once a week, but I update my food and exercise diary every day. If you would like to add me as a friend (I need all the supportive people I can get on there!) my username is: Serenity711 (of course! :) )

Saturday was my dad's birthday. I had my first ever bar experience. I had fun, although I drank billions of calories that night packed into 4 margaritas! They were really good though and very much so worth a cheat day on my diet. ;)

Also, I've added a new feature to this blog. Email updates! If you'd like updates from this blog sent directly to your email insert your email address --->> over there. You will not be spammed by this feature, but it will let you know every time I write a blog.

Anyways, this is me checking in letting everyone know I'm still alive.

Waiting for the end.

So I recently added a new song to this blog. It the first song that plays when you click to this page to read this blog. It's by Linkin Park, and I'm sure if you listen to mainstream pop or whatever, you have probably heard it. It's called Waiting For The End. I've had a few friends even tell me how much they love the song also. I'm telling you, I could listen to this song until my ears bleed and still not be tired of it.This song, in a nutshell explains how I feel about my life right now. Especially this one verse.

All I wanna do is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven’t got.

Basically, I'm tired of living this life. I'm too young to be a bereaved parent. If I'd had all 3 of my children, I would have 3 babies before the age of 22. But instead I mourn 3 before the age of 21. It's really quite sad. I could hear a lot of people right now telling me "Oh, you're young. You'll have more." I don't freiking want more! I want the ones I lost! I want people to stop telling me how young I am! That does NOT matter! I hurt the same! I would be just as heartbroken over the loss of my children, had it happened when I was 50.

For those of you who don't know, Shane and I are 16 years apart in our age. Yeah, yeah. I've heard it all about it. I really don't care. My point is, love knows no age, neither does grief. Just because I am young does not mean I am going to get a break from this. 

I have just been thinking a lot about this, as my birthday is 9 short days away, but anyways I'm finished with my rant. I'll leave you with the rest of the lyrics of the song.

This is not the end

This is not the beginning

Just a voice like a riot

Rocking every revision

But you listen to the tone

And the violent rhythm

Though the words sound steady

Something emptys within em

We say yeah

With fists flying up in the air

Like we’re holding onto something that’s invisible there

Cuz we’re living at the mercy of the pain and the fear

Until we dead it forget it

Let it all disappear

Waiting for the end to come

Wishing I had strenght to stand

This is not what I had planned

It’s out of my control

Flying at the speed of light

Thoughts were spinning in my head

So many things were left unsaid

It’s hard to let you go

I know what it takes to move on

I know how it feels to lie

All I wanna do is trade this life for something new

Holding on to what I haven’t got

Sitting in an empty room

Trying to forget the past

This was never meant to last

I wish it wasn’t so

I know what it takes to move on

I know how it feels to lie

All I wanna do is trade this life for something new

Holding on to what I haven’t got

What was left when that fire was gone

I thought it felt right but that right was wrong

All caught up in the eye of the storm

And trying to figure out what it’s like moving on

And I don’t even know what kind of things I said

My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead

Picking up those pieces now where to begin

The hardest part of ending is starting again

All I wanna do is trade this life for something new

Holding on to what I haven’t got

This is not the end

This is not the beginning

Just a voice like a riot

Rocking every revision

But you listen to the tone

And the violent rhythm

Though the words sound steady

Something emptys within em

We say yeah

With fists flying up in the air

Like we’re holding onto something that’s invisible there

Cuz we’re living at the mercy of the pain and the fear

Until we dead it forget it

Let it all disappear

Special little girl.

Today, February 23rd, is the 1st birthday of a little girl I hold very dear to my heart. Alyssa Marie. Her mommy is someone who I consider to be one of my BEST friends, even though we've only met on facebook, Antoinette. Alyssa was born sleeping, but even though her time with her mommy and daddy was devastatingly short, she has touched alot of lives. She may live in heaven, but don't call her an angel. No really. I'm serious. She may send a bird too poop on you. She is nothing less than a princess! Today I think of her. I know that Alyssa and Serenity are BFF's in heaven. The only wish I have for today is that I could be closer to my friend, An, to give her a huge hug today. I love you, and your whole family, An!  I really hope today is as peaceful as possible on you today! ♥

Happy Birthday Princess!! ♥

For Alyssa (and her baby brother.)