I know, I've been slacking!

It's been over a month since my last blog. It wasn't on purpose, but the days seems to fly by now-a-days. Life is seeming to get more and more hectic, or my brain is.. I haven't decided which one yet. I am now trying to learn how to cope with the loss of not just one baby, Serenity, but 2 Serenity and Sawyer, in such a short period of time. The one who everyone came to love and know, and the one nobody remembers or acknowledges.

Anyways, a lot has happened since my last blog. Two weeks ago today was my 21st birthday. It was a drag. I sat at home all day, and then stayed home for the evening also. Not eventful at all.

I started a diet.. or "eating better". I have pretty much all of my time and energy going into that, which is good. 3lbs lost so far, in 5 days (or less), and counting! So it's paying off.

When I started I was 200.2. Yesterday when I weighed myself I was 197. My main goal is 145, but less would be nice for my height. It's going to take a lot of work, but I am pretty much figuring I have to do this and I do. Normally I wouldn't just flaunt my weight, but I figure if I'm going to stick to it, then it may take a little embarrassment to push me to get to that not so embarrassing weight. I'm also going to stick a widget on the side -->> so anyone who visits this blog can see my progress, at any time. I will weigh in hopefully once a week, but I update my food and exercise diary every day. If you would like to add me as a friend (I need all the supportive people I can get on there!) my username is: Serenity711 (of course! :) )

Saturday was my dad's birthday. I had my first ever bar experience. I had fun, although I drank billions of calories that night packed into 4 margaritas! They were really good though and very much so worth a cheat day on my diet. ;)

Also, I've added a new feature to this blog. Email updates! If you'd like updates from this blog sent directly to your email insert your email address --->> over there. You will not be spammed by this feature, but it will let you know every time I write a blog.

Anyways, this is me checking in letting everyone know I'm still alive.

Waiting for the end.

So I recently added a new song to this blog. It the first song that plays when you click to this page to read this blog. It's by Linkin Park, and I'm sure if you listen to mainstream pop or whatever, you have probably heard it. It's called Waiting For The End. I've had a few friends even tell me how much they love the song also. I'm telling you, I could listen to this song until my ears bleed and still not be tired of it.This song, in a nutshell explains how I feel about my life right now. Especially this one verse.

All I wanna do is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven’t got.

Basically, I'm tired of living this life. I'm too young to be a bereaved parent. If I'd had all 3 of my children, I would have 3 babies before the age of 22. But instead I mourn 3 before the age of 21. It's really quite sad. I could hear a lot of people right now telling me "Oh, you're young. You'll have more." I don't freiking want more! I want the ones I lost! I want people to stop telling me how young I am! That does NOT matter! I hurt the same! I would be just as heartbroken over the loss of my children, had it happened when I was 50.

For those of you who don't know, Shane and I are 16 years apart in our age. Yeah, yeah. I've heard it all about it. I really don't care. My point is, love knows no age, neither does grief. Just because I am young does not mean I am going to get a break from this. 

I have just been thinking a lot about this, as my birthday is 9 short days away, but anyways I'm finished with my rant. I'll leave you with the rest of the lyrics of the song.

This is not the end

This is not the beginning

Just a voice like a riot

Rocking every revision

But you listen to the tone

And the violent rhythm

Though the words sound steady

Something emptys within em

We say yeah

With fists flying up in the air

Like we’re holding onto something that’s invisible there

Cuz we’re living at the mercy of the pain and the fear

Until we dead it forget it

Let it all disappear

Waiting for the end to come

Wishing I had strenght to stand

This is not what I had planned

It’s out of my control

Flying at the speed of light

Thoughts were spinning in my head

So many things were left unsaid

It’s hard to let you go

I know what it takes to move on

I know how it feels to lie

All I wanna do is trade this life for something new

Holding on to what I haven’t got

Sitting in an empty room

Trying to forget the past

This was never meant to last

I wish it wasn’t so

I know what it takes to move on

I know how it feels to lie

All I wanna do is trade this life for something new

Holding on to what I haven’t got

What was left when that fire was gone

I thought it felt right but that right was wrong

All caught up in the eye of the storm

And trying to figure out what it’s like moving on

And I don’t even know what kind of things I said

My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead

Picking up those pieces now where to begin

The hardest part of ending is starting again

All I wanna do is trade this life for something new

Holding on to what I haven’t got

This is not the end

This is not the beginning

Just a voice like a riot

Rocking every revision

But you listen to the tone

And the violent rhythm

Though the words sound steady

Something emptys within em

We say yeah

With fists flying up in the air

Like we’re holding onto something that’s invisible there

Cuz we’re living at the mercy of the pain and the fear

Until we dead it forget it

Let it all disappear