Last blog of the year..

So it is New Years Eve, and I still haven't posted about Christmas. I have been working on the slideshow for this blog, and that plus trying to recover from Christmas has been pretty overwhelming.

So I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. I know for most of my Baby Loss Mama (BLM) friends, spending their first Christmas without their baby was not how they planned their "baby's first christmas". It certainly wasn't how I expected it to be. From the moment of that positive pregnancy test we dreamed of our baby's first Christmas. Helping them open their gifts on Christmas morning, playing Santa, finding the perfect stocking stuffers, starting new traditions with your new family, and carrying out the old. Every detail was planned out perfectly in our minds. But instead of all of that, we were forced to trade our happily growing babies in for a dark, unwanted cloud hanging over our heads. Christmas, what is supposed to be "the most wonderful time of year", turned into one of the worst.

I have some good news though! WE MADE IT! We defeated the first Christmas without our babies! We made it out the other side! This is supposed to be the worst Christmas that we have to face in our grief, and we did it! Congrats!

I want to thank all of the supportive family and friends I have for putting up with me through the holiday season. I know I wasn't the most cheerful, and easiest person to deal with, but never once was I judged for not treating Christmas like the the best Christmas ever. Thank you.

I also would like to thank everyone who sent cards and letters. Those letters were some of the most wonderful gifts I have ever received. Every single one of them I read had me in tears, and put a smile on my face at the same time. They were all different and very beautiful. I know I probably seemed very repetitive with my thank yous, but I assure you every thank you was straight from the heart. I truly love you guys!

And last but certainly not least, I would like to thank everyone who sent a gift. For those with homemade gifts, I realize that making your gifts took time and energy and I am so thankful you thought of Serenity and I when you started your project. For those with store-bought gifts, thank you for including us in your Christmas shopping list. I understand that you spent money on your lovely gifts (even if they broke in the shipping process, Lol.) and I also understand that money doesn't grow on trees. All the gifts I received this holiday season will be cherished.

Now I would like to give my readers an opportunity to read the lovely letters that I received for Serenity on Christmas. They are in no particular order, and if I accidentally leave one out I'll be sure to add it soon. (This does not include the Christmas cards.)

• From: The Fraser Family (Specifically "Aunt" Megan) Meet Megan and Savannah at A story unfolding.

Dear Serenity,

I never got to meet you sweet one. I was never blessed with your earthly presence, and I wasn't around while your beautiful mommy bonded with you, and cherished your time in her womb. As a matter of fact, if it wasn't for your absence baby girl, I never would have never had the pleasure of knowing your mommy at all.

Sometimes Serenity, the pain we endure in life still brings forth wonderful things. You little one, are one of those wonderful things!

Although you have a great mommy who I know has already told you these things, I wanted to share somethings with you sweetheart. Your mommy and daddy had big plans for you. Two years went into their love and prayers for a baby. Then for six beautiful, heaven sent months, their future hopes and dreams were wrapped around your arrival. From experience, I know your mommy pictured her baby everytime she folded a tiny outfit she thought you would soon fashionably wear. You daddy secretly dreamed of having a "daddies girl." A spitting image of her momma, wrapping him around her fingers more and more with each passing day.

You and God Serenity, just like my Savannah, had other plans though. Your time here was too short, and it cut like a knife, but your tiny, beautiful, one pound body left a monumental impression on our lives. And no matter how much times passed, you will never and could never be forgotten.

The love your mommy and daddy have for you sweety, could move mountains. This Christmas, your very first Christmas, is going to be hard for them. This is one of those instances that they dreamed about sharing with you. Send them extra love Serenity, as they will be sending the same to you.

You are with my Savannah, this I know in my heart, and you silly girls knew your mommy and I would need each other. Thank you both for that. We will save a spot for you under our trees this Christmas, though i wish you both were here in person. I would sacrifice in an instant, you mommies friendship so she could hold you in her arms... so she could rock you and sing sweet "southern" lullabies... so she could comfort you when you cried... so she could introduce you to Santa and the beauty of the season.

But since even my hopes and dreams cannot bring you back to your mommy and daddy, I want you to know Serenity, I love you. That not a day passes I don't think of you.

Enjoy my Savannah angel girl, until your mommy and I can join in your girly, heavenly fun.

Merry 1st Christmas Serenity,

"Aunt" Megan
Sarah, Michael, Brody, & Savannah's Mommy.

• Uncle Drew and Aunt Val (specifically Aunt Val)

Dear Serenity,
This is your Aunt Val, and I wanted to take the time and write this letter to wish you a Merry Christmas! I wish things were different and you were here with your family on this day, but heaven is your home, and I know it looks soo pretty decorated for you and all of your angel friends, and I bet you will be getting alot of gifts just like any baby should on Christmas. It's your first Christmas, so it's a very special Christmas! As I sit and watch your cousin Addy, and watch the things she does and the milestones she reaches I also think of you, knowing you are doing the same things as her. I know you and Addy would have been best friends if you were still here with us, but I know you are still with us even though it's not in person but instead in our hearts, thoughts, and prayers. So don't worry baby girl you will always live on, by your family, we will talk about you and tell everyone about you, and as you get older we will sit and talk about how you look and how fast you are growing up. You have a big family and alot of love. Your mom and dad love you sooo much and these holidays are rough for them, you see them everyday but they don't see you but they know you are with them every second of every day. Well I will let you go so you can go and open all of your precious gifts and let you read all of the special letters that have been written for you sweet girl! Merry Christmas Serenity we love you very much!!

Love always, Aunt Val, Uncle Drew, Karson, Addison, Blaine, & Makayla.

• From Serenity's (2nd) cousin Donicia

Serenity,
        I can't even begin to explain how happy I was for your mommy and daddy when I found out they were expecting a baby. then when i heard they were having a girl, I was even more excited. This would be a chance for me to "bond" with your mommy and talk about all things baby. I enjoyed it when I saw them at the Wilkerson reunion and we got to actually do that. We talked about you kicking and moving in your mommy's tummy and other pregnancy things. :)

        Then I got a horrible phone call one Sunday morning. My mom told me that your mommy had gone into labor with you. It wasn't too long that I received another one from my mom saying you didn't make it. I was in shock. I couldn't believe it. I knew I wanted to go see your mommy and daddy. I knew that there was nothing that i could say or do to help them at the time, but I just wanted them to know that I care about them and you as well sweetie.

         I hate that we never got a chance to meet. But i think about you often. I know you are enjoying my Pappaw Rollie and my brother Josh up in heaven with you. I know they are taking good care of you too. I am pretty sure Pappaw is singing some of the songs he used to sing to Janae when she was a baby. :) That makes me smile just knowing that.

      I want you to know that I will never forget you. I miss you and love you sweet angel. Merry Christmas in Heaven beautiful!!

Love your cousin,
Donicia

• From: Brandy Mullinax (one of Mommy's dear freinds)

Dear Serenity,

     I know that your Mommy wanted letters and emails to read on Christmas morning, but I have chosen to give her something to help her bring in the new year. I am one of the unlucky people who never had the chance to meet you personally although I have seen your pictures and you are a beautiful girl. I can't help but think how differently anyone who knows your Mommy would have wanted things to go for her, I think that we all would have wanted her to bring you home from the hospital dressed in pink and been able to rock you to sleep in her arms and lose sleep over your crazy baby schedule. No one would have wanted it to be any other way, but that was not the plan that God had for ya'll. I haven't known your Mommy forever like some people, but we worked together briefly and she is one of the BEST people I know, she really is a special person I think because she is always real and genuine you are a lucky girl to have had her as your Mommy. She needs you to watch over her and help keep her strong because she still has a lot of hills to climb in dealing with your going to be an Angel. I hope that this letter somehow will help to comfort her in knowing that she is not alone and she has plenty of friends that would be there for her in a second. Again Serenity watch over her and keep her strong always let her know that you are there with her even when she can't see you.

In My Heart Also,

Brandy

Here are most of the cards and gifts we received. Thanks again everyone!!

I hope 2011 treats everyone better than 2010 did! Happy New year everyone!

Dear Mama.

I had originally intended to post this yesterday, but life happened and I didn't get around to it. Until today. For those of you who don't know, yesterday, December 19th 2010 was the 1 year anniversary of the day my mama died. Wow. I still can't believe it. And a whole year?!

I feel like I have been walking through fog this year. I still can't believe this whole year has happened. Your mama is supposed to be around forever! To kiss boo-boos, putting band-aids on your scratches. And when you get older (despite your past differences), so you'll have somewhere to lean when you're trying not to fall in this hole called life.

The first major even that happened after she died, my sister got engaged.. I got pregnant. How was I supposed to go through pregnancy without my mama?! She was supposed to be there to meet her much anticipated "grandbabies". She was so excited to one day become a grandma, we tried. I hate it couldn't happen when she was around, but we tried.

7 months later.. Serenity was born, and she passed. Now I have to deal with this without my mama. It brings me a little comfort when people say "She's taking care of Serenity", but not to the point where I think she should be raising her, rather than me.

And now it's been a year. One roller-coaster ride of a year. I wonder what the next 12 months will bring. Hopefully GOOD things this time around.




I love and miss you mama! I hope you like the flowers I left you yesterday. The daisy mums are from Auntie Annette. ♥ Take good care of my baby for me. Give her a kiss and tell her how much I love her. I love you too.

Yeah, so I like the Ad's here.. (click to enlarge)
I know they do it by content, but this seems pretty cool to me. :)

Cherry on Top Blog Award!

So I won this award on December 8th, and again yesterday, December 14th. It is so refreshing to know people like my blog enough to give it an award. It is very surprising to me how people actually like my rantings and ravings about what should have been and what could have been. It truly make me feel that Serenity and I are loved.

The award yesterday came from my dear friend and someone I see as a sister, Antoinette "An" Evola. She calls Serenity her niece, as do I wither her daughter, the beautiful Princess Alyssa. NOT Angel Alyssa, Princess Alyssa. Alyssa truly deserves the name "Princess", because she IS a princess. ♥ Click for "Butterfly Kisses for Alyssa Marie"

The award on December 8th came from Emily Hughes, Jack's mama. Jack Everett Hughes is a gorgeous baby boy, born prematurely weighing in at 1lb 3oz and 11 inches long. ♥ Click for "Searching for Jack"

I would like to thank you ladies for thinking of me when you passed this award on. I am honored.
So I guess it is my turn to give a few honorable mentions.

The rules of this award are:

1. Link back to the person who gave it to you
2. Pass it on to five (or more) other blogs

3. Leave them a comment telling them about the award

I don't read very many blogs, so this is a little tough for me.. But here they are.

I'm not sure if this is against the rules, but I would like to RE-award this to..

• Mrs Antoinette Evola at Butterfly Kisses to Alyssa Marie- I absolutely love what I have read of your blog. It is amazing. You are so passionate for you love for Alyssa, and Adrian and that is one of the many things I can relate to you on. We can laugh, and cry, scream or whatever else we need to, and never have to feel judged by one an other. Also, I love that every time I visit your blog "A Whole New World" from the Disney movie Aladdin is playing. It really takes me back, and I never realized how much I love that song and that movie and how much I miss being a kid, until the first time I went to your blog and heard that song playing. I think of you and Princess Alyssa every time I see something with butterflies on it or every time a Disney movie comes out of the vault, I REALLY want to buy them for you.. but then I think- you probably already have it. ;) I love you and My niece Alyssa, and I love your blog. ♥ 

The next one goes to.. 

• Mrs Stacey Bogle at A Mother's Grieving Heart- You are quite possibly one of my best friends, and as much as you don't believe I do, I DO READ YOUR BLOG. Lol. I just can't comment sometimes out of lack of words. I love reading about Jaleel, Michaela, and Nick. You are the only person I know who can remember a poem off the top of her head. Not only do I love your blog, but I love the wonderful work that you have done through PAC (Parent's Against Co-Sleeping). You and Jaleel are saving lives.  I wish I could turn Serenity's death into something positive, like you have with Jaleel. No matter what Jason says.. You are kind of funny, I guess. LOL. No but seriously, we always have a good time when we talk. I really am glad I have the honor of being your friend. ♥

Last but certainly not least..

• Mrs Katherine Eagerton at Ember's Ashes- We just recently met, and come to find out we live closer than most angel mom's do! Ember was born July 7th, 2010, at UAB (Birmingham).. and Serenity was born July 11th, 2010, at Citizen's BMC Talladega, and died at Trinity Medical Center (Birmingham). Katherine just recently started her blog "Ember's Ashes" in honor of her daughter, Ember Laura-Ellen Eagerton. We are closer than anyone I've ever met in our grief period, and I think we kind of "get" each other because of it. Thank you Katherine for reaching out to me. Maybe one day we can meet in person, and I look forward to seeing more of your blogs! ♥

Thank you ladies for being such a big part of my life, and having WONDERFUL blogs! I love you all! :)

God's will. {Controversial}

The website for the CDC (Center for Disease Control) says 1 in 8 babies are born premature each year. 1 in 8? Really? So for every 8 babies born, there is 1 who is premature. Fewer than 1% of the babies born alive in this country each year are born before 28 weeks. For more info click here. How does MY baby fall into this category? If it is such a rare thing, then why did it happen to MY baby?

I don't want to hear "It is God's will" or "She's in a better place now" or "God would not put something on you that you couldn't handle". None of these words are comforting to me, and can even make me feel worse, or angry. In my eyes, the best place she could EVER be, is in my arms. Don't tell me "Well there could have been something wrong with her down the road, and it would be easier for her to have gone now." NO. There was nothing wrong with her, aside from being born early. Even had there been in the future, we would have been able to deal. We would have made accommodations for our precious child. If God really decides what happens to people, then why would he ever let her have "something wrong with her"? And if THAT is the reason why he supposedly took her from me then WHY would he even let me get pregnant with her in the first place? But there was nothing wrong with her. She was perfect.

I am by far not the most religious person, but I don't want someone to sit here and tell me "It's God's will". God did not do this to my daughter. Science did. Don't tell me He did it for this and that reason. I don't think God is in control as much as most people do, because seriously.. if He decided what happens to people, then why do bad things happen to some of the most undeserving people? People who believe in Him, and pray to Him. People who go to church every Sunday and repent for their sins. He didn't do this to them, and if anything He is helping them get through this. Me on the other hand, I don't turn to God. I turn to friends. But I still don't believe this is "God's will"

Wow Serenity! People always say time flies when you are having fun. All I can say is, the last 5 months has not been fun, but it sure has flown by. I never would have thought on your 5 month birthday, I would be hanging you Christmas ornament that says Always Remembered. I shouldn't have to be hanging a memorial Christmas ornament, but a Baby's First Christmas ornament. You should be sitting in your swing watching me put the ornaments on the tree. Your eyes should be big in awe of all the pretty colors. You should be smelling the sweet aroma of cinnamon and pine. Instead you are not. You are not here physically, but spiritually, I know you are everywhere I am. You see everything I see. You smell everything I smell, and taste everything I taste. Not a second goes by where I'm not thinking of you, and what could have been. I will keep you alive baby. Mommy loves you, forever and ever. ♥

The pic is horrible, but this is Serenity's Christmas tree.

Tiny Handprints

So my good friend, Stacey, told me about this website. It's called Tiny Handprints, and the lady who owns it, Stephanie, lost her son Jacob, to SIDS. For those of you who don't know what SIDS is, it's Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. It's not caused by abuse, and it's not cause by suffocation, but just as the name says it is sudden. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, is the cause of death for more babies in the U.S. than anything else. Through the loss of her son, she has done a lot of good. Something that I very much so admire, and envy. She started this website and sends out "SIDS survival kits" free of charge, to bereaved parents. Not just parents of SIDS, but as you know I lost Serenity to preterm labor. Stephanie knows this, and still sent me a kit. Because I am a bereaved parent. She informed me of someone nearby who may be in need of support, because of a recent loss.

http://www.tinyhandprints.org/thphome.html

So I got the first part of my kit sometime last week. It came with two books. One little bitty book, that has big words. In other words, it takes less than an hour to read. It's called A Time To Grieve. It tells about the grieving process, and possible ways to cope (not specifically about Infant death, but death in general). Then the big fat book, which is very informational, and very intriguing and it's called SIDS & Infant Death Survival Guide (formerly the SIDS Survival Guide, but had been recently revised for other causes on infant death.)

If you go to the Tiny Handprints website (see the link above) you can request your free (Infant Loss) SIDS Survival Kit. Keep in mind, you do not pay for these kits. It is non-profit, and I am sure she would appreciate any donations. Donations are not required, but greatly appreciated. 

Holidays and such.

be·reave/biˈrēv/

Verb: Be deprived of a loved one through a profound absence, esp. due to the loved one's death

So holidays are normally hectic around here. And with as much as we've lost this year, it seemed even more so hectic, and overwhelming than the normal holidays we are used to.

Shane didn't get off work and home, until about 6:30-6:45 Thanksgiving morning. So I let him come home and come to bed. I got up about 8:00-8:30, got ready and my sister came and picked me up, and we went to my dad's. When I got there we started cooking, and work our butts off (well some of us anyways) and the entire meal was ready buy noon, and Shane arrived. We ate, let our food settle, then we left on to our next Thanksgiving voyage.

We came home, freshened up, then back out the door within 5 minutes to head to Shane's Grandmother's house. On the way there we had car problems, had to come home, borrow Shane's dad's car, then we were back on our little journey.

As soon as we got to our destination, I gave Shane's cousin, and his Aunt a hug. Donicia, Shane's cousin, went to her car, and came back with a little gift for me.

She had it made out of a natural stone. It is so beautiful and it already has it's own special place in our house. As bad of a day I had, THIS surly put a smile on my face. It's not the fact that I got a gift (okay, maybe a little ;)), but the fact that SOMEONE was thinking of Serenity, and they showed it to me. I love all of these little reminders that she is being thought of. <3

Yesterday, Someone gave me a stuffed animal piggy bank that sings and wiggles it's ear! It's so cute! If I can get a video of it, I will post it. :)

Serenity,

I love you, you know that. I miss you so much. I wish you could have been here with us for Thanksgiving. It would have made it so much better, because no matter how bad my day was going, YOU would have been there. I survived though. Thats all I can say. There was a lot of crying, but I survived. And next is Christmas. Christmas is going to be the hardest. I am having people write you letters to put in your stocking, and I will read them to you on Christmas. I already have a bunch of stuff for you. The only thing that is missing is you. I love you baby.

For those who would like to take part in the "Letters to Serenity" Here are the details..

To all my friends & Family I have a special request. As I have struggled with a way to remember Serenity at Christmas, a friend told me about something I am looking forward to trying. The idea is to fill a stocking with letters or notes or even emails to Serenity. I will be hangin a stocking every year for Serenity and would love to fill it with these cards or notes. They can be for me, for Serenity and can be simple or however in depth you prefer. You do not need to feel obligated by any means. Serenity is a part of my daily thoughts and on Christmas I plan to read these notes. Her stocking will be hung yearly and I hope to carry this new tradition on filling it every year. To everyone who thinks of us, thank you. To everyone I know who walks the path with me, thank you and I will be thinking of you and your children this holiday season as well.

If you would like to send cards, letters etc.. you can send them here:

Cally Rawson (and/or Serenity Mitchell)

341 Jones Lane

Lincoln, Alabama

35096

Direct emails here:

rawson.cally@gmail.com

Thank you. <3 And have an amazing holiday season.