Special little girl.

Today, February 23rd, is the 1st birthday of a little girl I hold very dear to my heart. Alyssa Marie. Her mommy is someone who I consider to be one of my BEST friends, even though we've only met on facebook, Antoinette. Alyssa was born sleeping, but even though her time with her mommy and daddy was devastatingly short, she has touched alot of lives. She may live in heaven, but don't call her an angel. No really. I'm serious. She may send a bird too poop on you. She is nothing less than a princess! Today I think of her. I know that Alyssa and Serenity are BFF's in heaven. The only wish I have for today is that I could be closer to my friend, An, to give her a huge hug today. I love you, and your whole family, An!  I really hope today is as peaceful as possible on you today! ♥

Happy Birthday Princess!! ♥

For Alyssa (and her baby brother.)

Just thought you ought to know.

So you may have read my blog announcing that we were going to bless Serenity with a new baby brother or sister. If not you can read it here. That was on January 25th when I announced it to the blogger world. Today I am announcing that we lost that baby. "His" name would have been Sawyer. His angel day is 2/14/11. Yes, Valentines day.

Pregnant with another baby Mitchell.

Took my first positive pregnancy test on January 7th. I ended up taking 10 more, because I couldn't believe my eyes. We had it confirmed at the local health department on January 18th. I got on medicaid real quick, and we had our first Dr appointment on January 26th. Everything seemed okay. Then Friday February 4th, we went to the ER for some spotting, and was told to see my OB in the next few days, and bedrest. We went and saw my Dr on Tuesday February 8th. We had an ultrasound done and was told that the baby was only measuring to be 5 weeks, when it was supposed to be measuring around 8, give or take a day or two.

Measuring only 5 weeks.

I was also told that I had a UTI and given meds to help clear it up. They agreed bedrest was best for me. Don't get up except to pee. They set me up an appointment for exactly 1 week later to get another ultrasound done, so they can make sure there was a heartbeat. I started spotting again on Friday February 11th. 7 months to the day from Serenity's birth. Saturday it got a little heavier, but not much. I called my Dr and told me - bleeding with cramps, go to the ER. And not just any bleeding, but heavy like a period. So I waited. Sunday, February 13th was pretty lazy. I was still on bedrest, doing my new normal routine. Nothing. That evening, I went to the bathroom, and was bleeding alot heavier than I was before. So we went back to the ER. After waiting in the waiting room for a couple hours, we finally got into a room. They collected my urine, drew a little blood, and did a pelvic exam. The Dr came in a little while later and said "Good news! You're still still pregnant! Now make sure you go see your OB tomorrow morning." We were a little relieved, but it still didn't seem right. When the nurse came back in with my discharge papers, I asked for the numbers on my hCG levels. She informed me that all the Dr did was a urine pregnancy test, and checked to see if my cervix was closed. I was really pissed because I could have done THAT on my own, at home! We went home, slept, then went straight to my Dr's office. They had just opened at 8:30 when we arrived at 9am. We were informed that the Dr would not be arriving for another hour, and asked us why we were there so early. We told the receptionist of our little ER visit the night before, and that they had  told us to come first thing in the morning. And then we sat down for the hour long for the Dr to arrive. About 9:30, the ultrasound tech called us in the back. She told me to give them a urine sample, she had a scan to do first, and then she would scan me. So I did what I had to do, sat there in one of the back waiting rooms for her to finish her first scan. When she finally finished she came and got us. We looked at the ultrasound, and she had a look of sadness on her face. No heartbeat, and my body had absorbed the yolk sac (which is how the baby gets it's nutrients at this point in the pregnancy). But the baby was measuring 6 weeks, there was just no heartbeat or yolk sac anymore, an no chance for one.

Now, I am on meds to help me pass everything on my own. We are trying not to go the D&C route again unless we absolutely positively have to. We are still unsure of when we will try for another baby, but thats okay. We need to process THIS before we think about that, and even when we do, we will be keeping it much more private than we did this time.

I just thought everyone should know what happened. I also wanted to remind people that getting pregnant with your rainbow baby is NOT a cure. There is ALWAYS a chance this is going to happen, and we KNOW this! We worry about this EVERY SINGLE DAY when we are pregnant! Not a second goes by when we're not thinking "what if?". It's not all sparkles and candy like people think.

To everyone who treated me like shit when I was pregnant with this baby - Are you happy now? You got what you wanted, right? Another baby died, but thats okay as long as I'm not pregnant, right? No? Then why did you act like a mental patient when you found out I was pregnant?

7 months, and Valentines day, and more.

Hello miss Serenity! I've missed writing you! I would have written sooner, but life has been very hectic around here for your daddy and I.

Tomorrow is your 7 months. I'm still very heartbroken, but I would just be repeating myself over and over again if I tried to specify how much. I really just have no words for tomorrow. Time won't stop because of what I would have to say, and it won't change whats happened. Just know that I love you.

In a few days will be Valentines day. Mommy is on bedrest right now, and daddy will barely allow me to move. So on his way home from work, he was supposed to stop at the store and get some cat food. When he got home he had a special surprise for you! Your very first Valentines day gift, and mommy some chocolates. He got you a little bear. Of course I cried when I saw it and he told me it was for you. What a great daddy you have!

                                                                                                                

In 10 short days it will one year from one of the happiest days of my life. The day I found out I was pregnant with you. 

I sent your daddy a text message. That was the only contents of that message. No words, just pictures. I figured that would explain it all. It did. He called me back a few short minutes later ecstatic, with his co-workers howling with excitement. Who knew MEN would get so excited over finding out their friend was going to become a dad for the first time. But they did. And we were just as excited, actually more so. I wish we could be as naive now as we were then. The beginning was really scary, but we had no clue what would happen only 6 short months later.

I love and miss you, yes still. After 7 months. No amount of time can take that away from us. You are the person who is on my mind the most. I don't know how things work up in heaven, but I hope you feel the same about me. And I also hope you know I did everything to my knowledge to keep you safe.

I ♥ you!

And it was like deja vu.

I have been missing Serenity a little more than usual here lately. Yeah, I will always miss her, but it's becoming more and more as time goes on. Whoever said "Time heals all wounds" was full of it, because it's been 11 days shy of 7 months, and it still burns the same a if she passed away yesterday.

A couple days ago, Shane and I were on our way to Walmart in Pell City, when I had this sudden sense of deja vu. We'd been driving down the same exact stretch of interstate, going to the same exact place, when I started feeling Serenity wiggling around like crazy. That was the evening of July 10th, 2010. Everything went downhill from there. A few short hours later, I was in the hospital recovering from delivery, waiting for hours to hear word on if my little girl was okay.
It was like all of these flashbacks hitting me all at once. Everything that happened that night was going through my mind over and over again, and it wouldn't stop. And the only reason for it was one small stretch of interstate. We'd been down that road 100 times before, and 100 times since.. but this was the only time that bothered me.

I can't help but think what I did to deserve this life. Why am I the lucky winner of all this pain and grief? Why do I have to be an advocate, or the face of loss? Why do I have to be so scared all the time wondering if it could happen again? Why can't I at least have a few answers to the questions I have in regards to her dying?

Mother's are supposed to protect their children, and take care of them. I couldn't do either of those things for Serenity, and it kills me there is no way I can make it up to her.


Serenity,
I love you and miss you so much. I know your daddy does to. We still talk about you 7 months later. We still look at your pictures. We still talk to you, and we still cry over you. I wonder if that will ever go away. But we do have a little happiness in our lives now. Your baby brother or sister. I pray that he/she doesn't get to come play with you soon. Please watch over him/her, and us too. I know if you were here with us you'd be doing the same things. You would be the BEST big sister EVER! ♥
I miss you so much baby girl!!