I have been missing Serenity a little more than usual here lately. Yeah, I will always miss her, but it's becoming more and more as time goes on. Whoever said "Time heals all wounds" was full of it, because it's been 11 days shy of 7 months, and it still burns the same a if she passed away yesterday.
A couple days ago, Shane and I were on our way to Walmart in Pell City, when I had this sudden sense of deja vu. We'd been driving down the same exact stretch of interstate, going to the same exact place, when I started feeling Serenity wiggling around like crazy. That was the evening of July 10th, 2010. Everything went downhill from there. A few short hours later, I was in the hospital recovering from delivery, waiting for hours to hear word on if my little girl was okay.
It was like all of these flashbacks hitting me all at once. Everything that happened that night was going through my mind over and over again, and it wouldn't stop. And the only reason for it was one small stretch of interstate. We'd been down that road 100 times before, and 100 times since.. but this was the only time that bothered me.
I can't help but think what I did to deserve this life. Why am I the lucky winner of all this pain and grief? Why do I have to be an advocate, or the face of loss? Why do I have to be so scared all the time wondering if it could happen again? Why can't I at least have a few answers to the questions I have in regards to her dying?
Mother's are supposed to protect their children, and take care of them. I couldn't do either of those things for Serenity, and it kills me there is no way I can make it up to her.
Serenity,
I love you and miss you so much. I know your daddy does to. We still talk about you 7 months later. We still look at your pictures. We still talk to you, and we still cry over you. I wonder if that will ever go away. But we do have a little happiness in our lives now. Your baby brother or sister. I pray that he/she doesn't get to come play with you soon. Please watch over him/her, and us too. I know if you were here with us you'd be doing the same things. You would be the BEST big sister EVER! ♥
I miss you so much baby girl!!
It's in his heart
8 years ago
2 comments:
I don't think there's any timeline of the pain and grief going completely away. It's been over a year since Alexandra and it still feels like it just happened yesterday sometimes. Thinking of you and Serenity. XO
I understand your emotions. I've been told thousands of times, there was nothing you could have done to prevent Savannah's condition. But as a mother, who buried their child, we will always feel the guilt. The guilt of not going before them... <3
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