Happy Birthday!

Hello my sweet little girl! No longer are you a baby.. But you'll always be MY baby!
I know it has been exactly 2 months since I have written on here. I'm sorry for this. I am sorry I have to even have this blog at all. But most of all, I'm sorry that you can't be here with us, celebrating your first birthday. ONE year! I am speechless. I can't believe how fast this year has gone by. Your friend Ember's mommy said it perfectly. "The days are so long, the months are so fast."  I have never heard more truth spoken in one single sentence.

I woke up this morning about 2ish after having a bad dream. I felt horrible. I felt even worse when I looked at the clock and realized what the day was. I knew immediately that 1 year ago that very moment, you were holding on to us. Struggling to save your own life. Had I known how things were going to turn out, I would have told all of those Dr's and nurses to take you off of those machines so you could spend the beginning and end of your life with your family. Right where you belonged.

Saturday we held a memorial for you. It was so beautiful. We released balloons, at cake, and released lanterns, all in your name. You even received a few lovely and very cherished gifts. It turned out to be a really good day, and it was all for you!

I also started a "virtual event" for your birthday on Facebook. I was so amazed that over 2,500 people clicked "Attending" on it. :") This ought to show you how loved you are by everyone!

I hope you are having the most extravagant birthday party heaven has ever seen. Eat lots of cake and get hyped up for Grandma Brita. ;) I'm sure she'll love that! Just know that everyone here misses you soo sooooo soooooooooo much! We're still crying for you.

Mommy loves you baby!!
Have the happiest birthday of all!
LOVE,
Mommy. <3

It's been a long time.

Hey baby girl. It's been a long time since I've written, I know. Mommy went on a great adventure. April 8th I left Alabama on a bus to Iowa. I spent a month in Iowa with our cousin Molly, her husband Neil, and their two babies Natty and Ben while Molly was pregnant with baby Sam. We had a great time. Two days before I got on an airplane to come back home, baby Sam made his appearance. He is a bright-eyed baby boy, with a head full of dark brown hair. Such a beautiful baby boy.

I am back home now. And life is getting so much harder for me it seems. Today marks 10 months since you came and left us. Now, I cry at the drop of a hat. If a song comes on that reminds me of you, I cry. Deep conversations between your daddy and I about you, I cry. Movies (especially Disney) that I know you'll never be able to watch and enjoy, I cry. Even writing this. I'm crying.

Your cousin Addy is now 7 months old. You should be 6. I left for a month, and I come back and she's crawling, and getting around so well on her knees. Pulling her chubby self up on everything she comes across. She's even TALKING now!! She says small words like "Mama" "Dada" and "KarKar" (Mommy, Daddy, and Karson {her big brother}) I even think I heard her say "Nana" yesterday. It is unbelievable how much she has grown. I look at her and think of all the things that you should be here doing. You should be starting to take your first few little steps on your knees. Growing teeth and thick long beautiful hair. Even spitting out baby gibberish like "Mamamamama!" and "Dadadadada!". Our ears will never be graced with your beautiful voice, or the earth shattering sounds of your cry. 10 months, and it's just now hitting me. As a very dear friend told me "The FOG has lifted from you". It is definitely feeling this way.

This past Sunday, May 8th was Mothers Day. It was a very hard day for me, as were the days leading up to it. It was my first Mothers Day, as a mother of an actual baby I gave birth to, yet I had nobody to "celebrate" it with. I was cheated out of yet, another, holiday. My mother is gone in heaven, and my 3 children are in heaven. Going to a grave with an urn full of ashes, is not how I planned my very first Mothers Day as a mother to be. Yet that was my reality.

Grandma Brita, Mommy, and Serenity

I know this is not how the "traditional" Mothers Day thing works, but hey! We're not a very traditional family, are we? I got you a special gift for Mothers Day, Serenity. This gift is one that says "I'm so glad to be your mother, even for a short time, I was so blessed to even know you." I hope you love it. ♥

Princess Piggy!

I love you and miss you so much baby girl! I hope you are having fun in heaven, and I want you to know not a second goes by where I don't think of you.

I know, I've been slacking!

It's been over a month since my last blog. It wasn't on purpose, but the days seems to fly by now-a-days. Life is seeming to get more and more hectic, or my brain is.. I haven't decided which one yet. I am now trying to learn how to cope with the loss of not just one baby, Serenity, but 2 Serenity and Sawyer, in such a short period of time. The one who everyone came to love and know, and the one nobody remembers or acknowledges.

Anyways, a lot has happened since my last blog. Two weeks ago today was my 21st birthday. It was a drag. I sat at home all day, and then stayed home for the evening also. Not eventful at all.

I started a diet.. or "eating better". I have pretty much all of my time and energy going into that, which is good. 3lbs lost so far, in 5 days (or less), and counting! So it's paying off.

When I started I was 200.2. Yesterday when I weighed myself I was 197. My main goal is 145, but less would be nice for my height. It's going to take a lot of work, but I am pretty much figuring I have to do this and I do. Normally I wouldn't just flaunt my weight, but I figure if I'm going to stick to it, then it may take a little embarrassment to push me to get to that not so embarrassing weight. I'm also going to stick a widget on the side -->> so anyone who visits this blog can see my progress, at any time. I will weigh in hopefully once a week, but I update my food and exercise diary every day. If you would like to add me as a friend (I need all the supportive people I can get on there!) my username is: Serenity711 (of course! :) )

Saturday was my dad's birthday. I had my first ever bar experience. I had fun, although I drank billions of calories that night packed into 4 margaritas! They were really good though and very much so worth a cheat day on my diet. ;)

Also, I've added a new feature to this blog. Email updates! If you'd like updates from this blog sent directly to your email insert your email address --->> over there. You will not be spammed by this feature, but it will let you know every time I write a blog.

Anyways, this is me checking in letting everyone know I'm still alive.

Waiting for the end.

So I recently added a new song to this blog. It the first song that plays when you click to this page to read this blog. It's by Linkin Park, and I'm sure if you listen to mainstream pop or whatever, you have probably heard it. It's called Waiting For The End. I've had a few friends even tell me how much they love the song also. I'm telling you, I could listen to this song until my ears bleed and still not be tired of it.This song, in a nutshell explains how I feel about my life right now. Especially this one verse.

All I wanna do is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven’t got.

Basically, I'm tired of living this life. I'm too young to be a bereaved parent. If I'd had all 3 of my children, I would have 3 babies before the age of 22. But instead I mourn 3 before the age of 21. It's really quite sad. I could hear a lot of people right now telling me "Oh, you're young. You'll have more." I don't freiking want more! I want the ones I lost! I want people to stop telling me how young I am! That does NOT matter! I hurt the same! I would be just as heartbroken over the loss of my children, had it happened when I was 50.

For those of you who don't know, Shane and I are 16 years apart in our age. Yeah, yeah. I've heard it all about it. I really don't care. My point is, love knows no age, neither does grief. Just because I am young does not mean I am going to get a break from this. 

I have just been thinking a lot about this, as my birthday is 9 short days away, but anyways I'm finished with my rant. I'll leave you with the rest of the lyrics of the song.

This is not the end

This is not the beginning

Just a voice like a riot

Rocking every revision

But you listen to the tone

And the violent rhythm

Though the words sound steady

Something emptys within em

We say yeah

With fists flying up in the air

Like we’re holding onto something that’s invisible there

Cuz we’re living at the mercy of the pain and the fear

Until we dead it forget it

Let it all disappear

Waiting for the end to come

Wishing I had strenght to stand

This is not what I had planned

It’s out of my control

Flying at the speed of light

Thoughts were spinning in my head

So many things were left unsaid

It’s hard to let you go

I know what it takes to move on

I know how it feels to lie

All I wanna do is trade this life for something new

Holding on to what I haven’t got

Sitting in an empty room

Trying to forget the past

This was never meant to last

I wish it wasn’t so

I know what it takes to move on

I know how it feels to lie

All I wanna do is trade this life for something new

Holding on to what I haven’t got

What was left when that fire was gone

I thought it felt right but that right was wrong

All caught up in the eye of the storm

And trying to figure out what it’s like moving on

And I don’t even know what kind of things I said

My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead

Picking up those pieces now where to begin

The hardest part of ending is starting again

All I wanna do is trade this life for something new

Holding on to what I haven’t got

This is not the end

This is not the beginning

Just a voice like a riot

Rocking every revision

But you listen to the tone

And the violent rhythm

Though the words sound steady

Something emptys within em

We say yeah

With fists flying up in the air

Like we’re holding onto something that’s invisible there

Cuz we’re living at the mercy of the pain and the fear

Until we dead it forget it

Let it all disappear

Special little girl.

Today, February 23rd, is the 1st birthday of a little girl I hold very dear to my heart. Alyssa Marie. Her mommy is someone who I consider to be one of my BEST friends, even though we've only met on facebook, Antoinette. Alyssa was born sleeping, but even though her time with her mommy and daddy was devastatingly short, she has touched alot of lives. She may live in heaven, but don't call her an angel. No really. I'm serious. She may send a bird too poop on you. She is nothing less than a princess! Today I think of her. I know that Alyssa and Serenity are BFF's in heaven. The only wish I have for today is that I could be closer to my friend, An, to give her a huge hug today. I love you, and your whole family, An!  I really hope today is as peaceful as possible on you today! ♥

Happy Birthday Princess!! ♥

For Alyssa (and her baby brother.)

Just thought you ought to know.

So you may have read my blog announcing that we were going to bless Serenity with a new baby brother or sister. If not you can read it here. That was on January 25th when I announced it to the blogger world. Today I am announcing that we lost that baby. "His" name would have been Sawyer. His angel day is 2/14/11. Yes, Valentines day.

Pregnant with another baby Mitchell.

Took my first positive pregnancy test on January 7th. I ended up taking 10 more, because I couldn't believe my eyes. We had it confirmed at the local health department on January 18th. I got on medicaid real quick, and we had our first Dr appointment on January 26th. Everything seemed okay. Then Friday February 4th, we went to the ER for some spotting, and was told to see my OB in the next few days, and bedrest. We went and saw my Dr on Tuesday February 8th. We had an ultrasound done and was told that the baby was only measuring to be 5 weeks, when it was supposed to be measuring around 8, give or take a day or two.

Measuring only 5 weeks.

I was also told that I had a UTI and given meds to help clear it up. They agreed bedrest was best for me. Don't get up except to pee. They set me up an appointment for exactly 1 week later to get another ultrasound done, so they can make sure there was a heartbeat. I started spotting again on Friday February 11th. 7 months to the day from Serenity's birth. Saturday it got a little heavier, but not much. I called my Dr and told me - bleeding with cramps, go to the ER. And not just any bleeding, but heavy like a period. So I waited. Sunday, February 13th was pretty lazy. I was still on bedrest, doing my new normal routine. Nothing. That evening, I went to the bathroom, and was bleeding alot heavier than I was before. So we went back to the ER. After waiting in the waiting room for a couple hours, we finally got into a room. They collected my urine, drew a little blood, and did a pelvic exam. The Dr came in a little while later and said "Good news! You're still still pregnant! Now make sure you go see your OB tomorrow morning." We were a little relieved, but it still didn't seem right. When the nurse came back in with my discharge papers, I asked for the numbers on my hCG levels. She informed me that all the Dr did was a urine pregnancy test, and checked to see if my cervix was closed. I was really pissed because I could have done THAT on my own, at home! We went home, slept, then went straight to my Dr's office. They had just opened at 8:30 when we arrived at 9am. We were informed that the Dr would not be arriving for another hour, and asked us why we were there so early. We told the receptionist of our little ER visit the night before, and that they had  told us to come first thing in the morning. And then we sat down for the hour long for the Dr to arrive. About 9:30, the ultrasound tech called us in the back. She told me to give them a urine sample, she had a scan to do first, and then she would scan me. So I did what I had to do, sat there in one of the back waiting rooms for her to finish her first scan. When she finally finished she came and got us. We looked at the ultrasound, and she had a look of sadness on her face. No heartbeat, and my body had absorbed the yolk sac (which is how the baby gets it's nutrients at this point in the pregnancy). But the baby was measuring 6 weeks, there was just no heartbeat or yolk sac anymore, an no chance for one.

Now, I am on meds to help me pass everything on my own. We are trying not to go the D&C route again unless we absolutely positively have to. We are still unsure of when we will try for another baby, but thats okay. We need to process THIS before we think about that, and even when we do, we will be keeping it much more private than we did this time.

I just thought everyone should know what happened. I also wanted to remind people that getting pregnant with your rainbow baby is NOT a cure. There is ALWAYS a chance this is going to happen, and we KNOW this! We worry about this EVERY SINGLE DAY when we are pregnant! Not a second goes by when we're not thinking "what if?". It's not all sparkles and candy like people think.

To everyone who treated me like shit when I was pregnant with this baby - Are you happy now? You got what you wanted, right? Another baby died, but thats okay as long as I'm not pregnant, right? No? Then why did you act like a mental patient when you found out I was pregnant?

7 months, and Valentines day, and more.

Hello miss Serenity! I've missed writing you! I would have written sooner, but life has been very hectic around here for your daddy and I.

Tomorrow is your 7 months. I'm still very heartbroken, but I would just be repeating myself over and over again if I tried to specify how much. I really just have no words for tomorrow. Time won't stop because of what I would have to say, and it won't change whats happened. Just know that I love you.

In a few days will be Valentines day. Mommy is on bedrest right now, and daddy will barely allow me to move. So on his way home from work, he was supposed to stop at the store and get some cat food. When he got home he had a special surprise for you! Your very first Valentines day gift, and mommy some chocolates. He got you a little bear. Of course I cried when I saw it and he told me it was for you. What a great daddy you have!

                                                                                                                

In 10 short days it will one year from one of the happiest days of my life. The day I found out I was pregnant with you. 

I sent your daddy a text message. That was the only contents of that message. No words, just pictures. I figured that would explain it all. It did. He called me back a few short minutes later ecstatic, with his co-workers howling with excitement. Who knew MEN would get so excited over finding out their friend was going to become a dad for the first time. But they did. And we were just as excited, actually more so. I wish we could be as naive now as we were then. The beginning was really scary, but we had no clue what would happen only 6 short months later.

I love and miss you, yes still. After 7 months. No amount of time can take that away from us. You are the person who is on my mind the most. I don't know how things work up in heaven, but I hope you feel the same about me. And I also hope you know I did everything to my knowledge to keep you safe.

I ♥ you!

And it was like deja vu.

I have been missing Serenity a little more than usual here lately. Yeah, I will always miss her, but it's becoming more and more as time goes on. Whoever said "Time heals all wounds" was full of it, because it's been 11 days shy of 7 months, and it still burns the same a if she passed away yesterday.

A couple days ago, Shane and I were on our way to Walmart in Pell City, when I had this sudden sense of deja vu. We'd been driving down the same exact stretch of interstate, going to the same exact place, when I started feeling Serenity wiggling around like crazy. That was the evening of July 10th, 2010. Everything went downhill from there. A few short hours later, I was in the hospital recovering from delivery, waiting for hours to hear word on if my little girl was okay.
It was like all of these flashbacks hitting me all at once. Everything that happened that night was going through my mind over and over again, and it wouldn't stop. And the only reason for it was one small stretch of interstate. We'd been down that road 100 times before, and 100 times since.. but this was the only time that bothered me.

I can't help but think what I did to deserve this life. Why am I the lucky winner of all this pain and grief? Why do I have to be an advocate, or the face of loss? Why do I have to be so scared all the time wondering if it could happen again? Why can't I at least have a few answers to the questions I have in regards to her dying?

Mother's are supposed to protect their children, and take care of them. I couldn't do either of those things for Serenity, and it kills me there is no way I can make it up to her.


Serenity,
I love you and miss you so much. I know your daddy does to. We still talk about you 7 months later. We still look at your pictures. We still talk to you, and we still cry over you. I wonder if that will ever go away. But we do have a little happiness in our lives now. Your baby brother or sister. I pray that he/she doesn't get to come play with you soon. Please watch over him/her, and us too. I know if you were here with us you'd be doing the same things. You would be the BEST big sister EVER! ♥
I miss you so much baby girl!!

So it's been a while..

This post may contain triggers.. don't say I didn't warn you.


I know it has been a while since I have written here, but a lot has gone on since 2011 started. We found out Serenity is going to be a big sister! Yep! You read right! I'm pregnant! Serenity's daddy and I are so glad we can give her a little brother or sister, even though we are very sad she can't be here with us to enjoy it.

We are expecting, yes. But just because there is another baby in the picture doesn't mean Serenity's out. She will always be loved and cherished. I will still talk of her as if she is here. The only things that will change, will be my lack of time for blogging (for some reason I never find time anymore, and dr's appointments will not make it easy either. I will try to update here as much as possible, although my rainbow updates will NOT be posted here, but HERE.) and my belly size.

Serenity will ALWAYS be my daughter, but no matter what happens, this baby will too.
What I am trying to say, was written perfectly by my dear friend who is pregnant with her rainbow baby also, Antoinette or "Ann" (but I spell it "An", because I like to be different ;) Just in case people ever wondered. Haha.)




"Being Abandoned Cause I'm Pregnant"

Disclaimer:  This post contains some things about ttc/pregnancy, if you are triggered THAT much then skip this.  I must talk about it here and not my other blog cause this is related to Alyssa more then anything else.


There comes a point after your child dies where you start to experience "The Plague".  This is when all the people you would usually find comfort in start to disappear as if you are contagious.  It is also because you have become TOO depressing to be around.  For what ever reason these assholes leave, it all boils down to they dont want to be a part of "that" life you have.  They were all ready for a baby to be born, and happiness to surround them. But like I was told "Not everyone wants to feel miserable, and at one point they need to focus on themselves and not ME"....WOW....I am remembering all the people that said this to me now that I type it....Asshats!!

But there is another part to this that is even harder (you would imagine its not but it is) to grasp.  It is when the VERY same people who did stand by you through the misery and lonely days that go away from you so fast you feel as though maybe you contracted the H1N1 and its contagious through the computer..."Which is that?" you ask.  It is the "Rainbow Pregnancy Plague."  That is when you start to see that the VERY same people who were right there to curse people out, lift you up, cry with you, hug you, and love you are the first ones out the door and THEY are also under the impression that now that you have become pregnant again you no longer require that same support.  The sad part is I DO still need support.  Shocker right?  WRONG!!  There is nothing to be shocked about.  I am not magically cured because I am pregnant again.  Lets be honest, my pregnancy is not a guarantee my baby will be born. I HAVE reasons for this to be true. I also feel as though people assume that "I should understand" and you know what I DONT.  I dont understand because I NEVER did that to anyone.  If I was so hurt by someones pregnancy I just removed them from myself.  Those were people I felt were "Rubbing it in" I DONT rub it in anyones face.  I am "just" pregnant. That is all.  It doesnt lesson my pain for Alyssa.  At times it increases it, as I am reminded of OUR time together.  I am reminded SHE isnt alive.  I am reminded that if/when/hoping this baby comes home..I will NEVER have all my children with me.

What saddens me too is that there are people who feel this way with living children at home.  NOT that their kids replace the children who died, but that they would really be SO HURT by my pregnancy that I talk about once a month (if that) but I am supposed to be able to see pictures of THEIR kids, and hear THEIR updates and those are ok.  THOSE are not supposed to affect anyone right?  RIGHT!! They dont affect me.  You know why?  Because they are my friends...or so I thought.  I have really seen the sides of people lately that I either pretended didnt exist, or I never thought it would be handed to me as well.  I guess Im not that special.  I guess "my turn" was bound to happen to.

I am also annoyed at the fact that these people will one day (HOPEFULLY) get to experience another pregnancy and what will they feel like when EVERYONE does this to them?  Cause the truth is, it will happen.  IT does happen.

My daughter's first birthday in Heaven is next month, and guess what?  MOST of the BLMs that I was THERE FOR, COMFORTED, CRIED with over this milestone, are gone.  Invisible, only there to get their support.  I need it too.  I dont want to "just" get it from other expecting moms.  I dont want to "just" get it from those who are not triggered at the IDEA (cause lets face facts I am NOT a forgot where I came from and I am NOT rubbing it in at all)  that I am pregnant again.  THAT is not fair.  Period.

Makes me wonder what will it take for them to care about me again?  Will everyone just come running back if Adrian dies too?  Cause JUST like I did with my family who cared less about Alyssa until she was dead...I WILL feel the same about those that care less about him when he was alive.  I dont expect anything from anyone about him.  I am even REALLY considerate and block those with recent rainbow losses from hearing a peep about him.  I have a heart, I have a brain...but I am ALSO STILL GRIEVING MY DAUGHTER.  Period.  I dont just get over it cause I see a BFP on a pregnancy stick.

I really hate this feeling.  The feeling of no one feeling like I need them anymore.  I am always there for everyone, and as many people that ARE there for me, my heart cant seem to realize who isnt there for me.  I understand, "Everyone has their own shit" I get it.  I have mine too, but I always think of everyone too.  I make it a priority to extend even just a "<3" to someone when I just dont have the words...its not difficult and its ALMOST EXACTLY the same feelings people made me feel in my life when Alyssa died and they didnt want to support anymore.

Being abandoned for being pregnant is the WORST thing I have felt, since being abandoned for a child dying.  Because the fact is I am STILL being abandoned with a child that died.  I am not cured.  Period.
I read A LOT of blogs, and I see A LOT of BLMs that are pregnant and "acting cured" but the truth is, you only know what you read, you ONLY know what someone tells you and I take it with a grain of salt.  Well I dont leave a thing to the imagination.  I put it ALL out there (or in here since its private lol) for people to see.  I see no sense in writing if its NOT the whole story.  Which is why I needed this here even with a pregnancy mention.

My daughter died, no matter WHAT else is going on in my life...I STILL am grieving and need the same support as before...It didnt get "fixed", maybe for some but 100% not for me. I will never get over my princess, I will ALWAYS have her missing from my life....sigh..

She said it PERFECTLY! Getting pregnant is NOT a cure! As much as people thinks it is, it's not. It is nice to know of the possibilities for the new baby, but we are ALWAYS thinking of what happened to our other babies, and "What if I can't bring my baby home?". We all know it's a huge possibility. Being pregnant with a rainbow baby is not the dream everyone thinks it is, because we should have our other babies at home with us too.

Don't tell me "Everything will be okay." or "Just think positive" or "It won't happen again".. because it very well could, and thinking otherwise is IGNORANT. I know it very well could happen again, and just because you don't know the facts don't shove that b.s. down my throat.  

Something else, another one of my close friends told me "The friends that will be there for you through thick and thin are the friends worth having!" So if you decide not to be my friend anymore over this, I'm just going to have to say "Arrivederci!" or "Au revoir". If you don't want to be my friend in happiness, then you don't need to be my friend in grief.