Last blog of the year..

So it is New Years Eve, and I still haven't posted about Christmas. I have been working on the slideshow for this blog, and that plus trying to recover from Christmas has been pretty overwhelming.

So I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. I know for most of my Baby Loss Mama (BLM) friends, spending their first Christmas without their baby was not how they planned their "baby's first christmas". It certainly wasn't how I expected it to be. From the moment of that positive pregnancy test we dreamed of our baby's first Christmas. Helping them open their gifts on Christmas morning, playing Santa, finding the perfect stocking stuffers, starting new traditions with your new family, and carrying out the old. Every detail was planned out perfectly in our minds. But instead of all of that, we were forced to trade our happily growing babies in for a dark, unwanted cloud hanging over our heads. Christmas, what is supposed to be "the most wonderful time of year", turned into one of the worst.

I have some good news though! WE MADE IT! We defeated the first Christmas without our babies! We made it out the other side! This is supposed to be the worst Christmas that we have to face in our grief, and we did it! Congrats!

I want to thank all of the supportive family and friends I have for putting up with me through the holiday season. I know I wasn't the most cheerful, and easiest person to deal with, but never once was I judged for not treating Christmas like the the best Christmas ever. Thank you.

I also would like to thank everyone who sent cards and letters. Those letters were some of the most wonderful gifts I have ever received. Every single one of them I read had me in tears, and put a smile on my face at the same time. They were all different and very beautiful. I know I probably seemed very repetitive with my thank yous, but I assure you every thank you was straight from the heart. I truly love you guys!

And last but certainly not least, I would like to thank everyone who sent a gift. For those with homemade gifts, I realize that making your gifts took time and energy and I am so thankful you thought of Serenity and I when you started your project. For those with store-bought gifts, thank you for including us in your Christmas shopping list. I understand that you spent money on your lovely gifts (even if they broke in the shipping process, Lol.) and I also understand that money doesn't grow on trees. All the gifts I received this holiday season will be cherished.

Now I would like to give my readers an opportunity to read the lovely letters that I received for Serenity on Christmas. They are in no particular order, and if I accidentally leave one out I'll be sure to add it soon. (This does not include the Christmas cards.)

• From: The Fraser Family (Specifically "Aunt" Megan) Meet Megan and Savannah at A story unfolding.

Dear Serenity,

I never got to meet you sweet one. I was never blessed with your earthly presence, and I wasn't around while your beautiful mommy bonded with you, and cherished your time in her womb. As a matter of fact, if it wasn't for your absence baby girl, I never would have never had the pleasure of knowing your mommy at all.

Sometimes Serenity, the pain we endure in life still brings forth wonderful things. You little one, are one of those wonderful things!

Although you have a great mommy who I know has already told you these things, I wanted to share somethings with you sweetheart. Your mommy and daddy had big plans for you. Two years went into their love and prayers for a baby. Then for six beautiful, heaven sent months, their future hopes and dreams were wrapped around your arrival. From experience, I know your mommy pictured her baby everytime she folded a tiny outfit she thought you would soon fashionably wear. You daddy secretly dreamed of having a "daddies girl." A spitting image of her momma, wrapping him around her fingers more and more with each passing day.

You and God Serenity, just like my Savannah, had other plans though. Your time here was too short, and it cut like a knife, but your tiny, beautiful, one pound body left a monumental impression on our lives. And no matter how much times passed, you will never and could never be forgotten.

The love your mommy and daddy have for you sweety, could move mountains. This Christmas, your very first Christmas, is going to be hard for them. This is one of those instances that they dreamed about sharing with you. Send them extra love Serenity, as they will be sending the same to you.

You are with my Savannah, this I know in my heart, and you silly girls knew your mommy and I would need each other. Thank you both for that. We will save a spot for you under our trees this Christmas, though i wish you both were here in person. I would sacrifice in an instant, you mommies friendship so she could hold you in her arms... so she could rock you and sing sweet "southern" lullabies... so she could comfort you when you cried... so she could introduce you to Santa and the beauty of the season.

But since even my hopes and dreams cannot bring you back to your mommy and daddy, I want you to know Serenity, I love you. That not a day passes I don't think of you.

Enjoy my Savannah angel girl, until your mommy and I can join in your girly, heavenly fun.

Merry 1st Christmas Serenity,

"Aunt" Megan
Sarah, Michael, Brody, & Savannah's Mommy.

• Uncle Drew and Aunt Val (specifically Aunt Val)

Dear Serenity,
This is your Aunt Val, and I wanted to take the time and write this letter to wish you a Merry Christmas! I wish things were different and you were here with your family on this day, but heaven is your home, and I know it looks soo pretty decorated for you and all of your angel friends, and I bet you will be getting alot of gifts just like any baby should on Christmas. It's your first Christmas, so it's a very special Christmas! As I sit and watch your cousin Addy, and watch the things she does and the milestones she reaches I also think of you, knowing you are doing the same things as her. I know you and Addy would have been best friends if you were still here with us, but I know you are still with us even though it's not in person but instead in our hearts, thoughts, and prayers. So don't worry baby girl you will always live on, by your family, we will talk about you and tell everyone about you, and as you get older we will sit and talk about how you look and how fast you are growing up. You have a big family and alot of love. Your mom and dad love you sooo much and these holidays are rough for them, you see them everyday but they don't see you but they know you are with them every second of every day. Well I will let you go so you can go and open all of your precious gifts and let you read all of the special letters that have been written for you sweet girl! Merry Christmas Serenity we love you very much!!

Love always, Aunt Val, Uncle Drew, Karson, Addison, Blaine, & Makayla.

• From Serenity's (2nd) cousin Donicia

Serenity,
        I can't even begin to explain how happy I was for your mommy and daddy when I found out they were expecting a baby. then when i heard they were having a girl, I was even more excited. This would be a chance for me to "bond" with your mommy and talk about all things baby. I enjoyed it when I saw them at the Wilkerson reunion and we got to actually do that. We talked about you kicking and moving in your mommy's tummy and other pregnancy things. :)

        Then I got a horrible phone call one Sunday morning. My mom told me that your mommy had gone into labor with you. It wasn't too long that I received another one from my mom saying you didn't make it. I was in shock. I couldn't believe it. I knew I wanted to go see your mommy and daddy. I knew that there was nothing that i could say or do to help them at the time, but I just wanted them to know that I care about them and you as well sweetie.

         I hate that we never got a chance to meet. But i think about you often. I know you are enjoying my Pappaw Rollie and my brother Josh up in heaven with you. I know they are taking good care of you too. I am pretty sure Pappaw is singing some of the songs he used to sing to Janae when she was a baby. :) That makes me smile just knowing that.

      I want you to know that I will never forget you. I miss you and love you sweet angel. Merry Christmas in Heaven beautiful!!

Love your cousin,
Donicia

• From: Brandy Mullinax (one of Mommy's dear freinds)

Dear Serenity,

     I know that your Mommy wanted letters and emails to read on Christmas morning, but I have chosen to give her something to help her bring in the new year. I am one of the unlucky people who never had the chance to meet you personally although I have seen your pictures and you are a beautiful girl. I can't help but think how differently anyone who knows your Mommy would have wanted things to go for her, I think that we all would have wanted her to bring you home from the hospital dressed in pink and been able to rock you to sleep in her arms and lose sleep over your crazy baby schedule. No one would have wanted it to be any other way, but that was not the plan that God had for ya'll. I haven't known your Mommy forever like some people, but we worked together briefly and she is one of the BEST people I know, she really is a special person I think because she is always real and genuine you are a lucky girl to have had her as your Mommy. She needs you to watch over her and help keep her strong because she still has a lot of hills to climb in dealing with your going to be an Angel. I hope that this letter somehow will help to comfort her in knowing that she is not alone and she has plenty of friends that would be there for her in a second. Again Serenity watch over her and keep her strong always let her know that you are there with her even when she can't see you.

In My Heart Also,

Brandy

Here are most of the cards and gifts we received. Thanks again everyone!!

I hope 2011 treats everyone better than 2010 did! Happy New year everyone!

Dear Mama.

I had originally intended to post this yesterday, but life happened and I didn't get around to it. Until today. For those of you who don't know, yesterday, December 19th 2010 was the 1 year anniversary of the day my mama died. Wow. I still can't believe it. And a whole year?!

I feel like I have been walking through fog this year. I still can't believe this whole year has happened. Your mama is supposed to be around forever! To kiss boo-boos, putting band-aids on your scratches. And when you get older (despite your past differences), so you'll have somewhere to lean when you're trying not to fall in this hole called life.

The first major even that happened after she died, my sister got engaged.. I got pregnant. How was I supposed to go through pregnancy without my mama?! She was supposed to be there to meet her much anticipated "grandbabies". She was so excited to one day become a grandma, we tried. I hate it couldn't happen when she was around, but we tried.

7 months later.. Serenity was born, and she passed. Now I have to deal with this without my mama. It brings me a little comfort when people say "She's taking care of Serenity", but not to the point where I think she should be raising her, rather than me.

And now it's been a year. One roller-coaster ride of a year. I wonder what the next 12 months will bring. Hopefully GOOD things this time around.




I love and miss you mama! I hope you like the flowers I left you yesterday. The daisy mums are from Auntie Annette. ♥ Take good care of my baby for me. Give her a kiss and tell her how much I love her. I love you too.

Yeah, so I like the Ad's here.. (click to enlarge)
I know they do it by content, but this seems pretty cool to me. :)

Cherry on Top Blog Award!

So I won this award on December 8th, and again yesterday, December 14th. It is so refreshing to know people like my blog enough to give it an award. It is very surprising to me how people actually like my rantings and ravings about what should have been and what could have been. It truly make me feel that Serenity and I are loved.

The award yesterday came from my dear friend and someone I see as a sister, Antoinette "An" Evola. She calls Serenity her niece, as do I wither her daughter, the beautiful Princess Alyssa. NOT Angel Alyssa, Princess Alyssa. Alyssa truly deserves the name "Princess", because she IS a princess. ♥ Click for "Butterfly Kisses for Alyssa Marie"

The award on December 8th came from Emily Hughes, Jack's mama. Jack Everett Hughes is a gorgeous baby boy, born prematurely weighing in at 1lb 3oz and 11 inches long. ♥ Click for "Searching for Jack"

I would like to thank you ladies for thinking of me when you passed this award on. I am honored.
So I guess it is my turn to give a few honorable mentions.

The rules of this award are:

1. Link back to the person who gave it to you
2. Pass it on to five (or more) other blogs

3. Leave them a comment telling them about the award

I don't read very many blogs, so this is a little tough for me.. But here they are.

I'm not sure if this is against the rules, but I would like to RE-award this to..

• Mrs Antoinette Evola at Butterfly Kisses to Alyssa Marie- I absolutely love what I have read of your blog. It is amazing. You are so passionate for you love for Alyssa, and Adrian and that is one of the many things I can relate to you on. We can laugh, and cry, scream or whatever else we need to, and never have to feel judged by one an other. Also, I love that every time I visit your blog "A Whole New World" from the Disney movie Aladdin is playing. It really takes me back, and I never realized how much I love that song and that movie and how much I miss being a kid, until the first time I went to your blog and heard that song playing. I think of you and Princess Alyssa every time I see something with butterflies on it or every time a Disney movie comes out of the vault, I REALLY want to buy them for you.. but then I think- you probably already have it. ;) I love you and My niece Alyssa, and I love your blog. ♥ 

The next one goes to.. 

• Mrs Stacey Bogle at A Mother's Grieving Heart- You are quite possibly one of my best friends, and as much as you don't believe I do, I DO READ YOUR BLOG. Lol. I just can't comment sometimes out of lack of words. I love reading about Jaleel, Michaela, and Nick. You are the only person I know who can remember a poem off the top of her head. Not only do I love your blog, but I love the wonderful work that you have done through PAC (Parent's Against Co-Sleeping). You and Jaleel are saving lives.  I wish I could turn Serenity's death into something positive, like you have with Jaleel. No matter what Jason says.. You are kind of funny, I guess. LOL. No but seriously, we always have a good time when we talk. I really am glad I have the honor of being your friend. ♥

Last but certainly not least..

• Mrs Katherine Eagerton at Ember's Ashes- We just recently met, and come to find out we live closer than most angel mom's do! Ember was born July 7th, 2010, at UAB (Birmingham).. and Serenity was born July 11th, 2010, at Citizen's BMC Talladega, and died at Trinity Medical Center (Birmingham). Katherine just recently started her blog "Ember's Ashes" in honor of her daughter, Ember Laura-Ellen Eagerton. We are closer than anyone I've ever met in our grief period, and I think we kind of "get" each other because of it. Thank you Katherine for reaching out to me. Maybe one day we can meet in person, and I look forward to seeing more of your blogs! ♥

Thank you ladies for being such a big part of my life, and having WONDERFUL blogs! I love you all! :)

God's will. {Controversial}

The website for the CDC (Center for Disease Control) says 1 in 8 babies are born premature each year. 1 in 8? Really? So for every 8 babies born, there is 1 who is premature. Fewer than 1% of the babies born alive in this country each year are born before 28 weeks. For more info click here. How does MY baby fall into this category? If it is such a rare thing, then why did it happen to MY baby?

I don't want to hear "It is God's will" or "She's in a better place now" or "God would not put something on you that you couldn't handle". None of these words are comforting to me, and can even make me feel worse, or angry. In my eyes, the best place she could EVER be, is in my arms. Don't tell me "Well there could have been something wrong with her down the road, and it would be easier for her to have gone now." NO. There was nothing wrong with her, aside from being born early. Even had there been in the future, we would have been able to deal. We would have made accommodations for our precious child. If God really decides what happens to people, then why would he ever let her have "something wrong with her"? And if THAT is the reason why he supposedly took her from me then WHY would he even let me get pregnant with her in the first place? But there was nothing wrong with her. She was perfect.

I am by far not the most religious person, but I don't want someone to sit here and tell me "It's God's will". God did not do this to my daughter. Science did. Don't tell me He did it for this and that reason. I don't think God is in control as much as most people do, because seriously.. if He decided what happens to people, then why do bad things happen to some of the most undeserving people? People who believe in Him, and pray to Him. People who go to church every Sunday and repent for their sins. He didn't do this to them, and if anything He is helping them get through this. Me on the other hand, I don't turn to God. I turn to friends. But I still don't believe this is "God's will"

Wow Serenity! People always say time flies when you are having fun. All I can say is, the last 5 months has not been fun, but it sure has flown by. I never would have thought on your 5 month birthday, I would be hanging you Christmas ornament that says Always Remembered. I shouldn't have to be hanging a memorial Christmas ornament, but a Baby's First Christmas ornament. You should be sitting in your swing watching me put the ornaments on the tree. Your eyes should be big in awe of all the pretty colors. You should be smelling the sweet aroma of cinnamon and pine. Instead you are not. You are not here physically, but spiritually, I know you are everywhere I am. You see everything I see. You smell everything I smell, and taste everything I taste. Not a second goes by where I'm not thinking of you, and what could have been. I will keep you alive baby. Mommy loves you, forever and ever. ♥

The pic is horrible, but this is Serenity's Christmas tree.

Tiny Handprints

So my good friend, Stacey, told me about this website. It's called Tiny Handprints, and the lady who owns it, Stephanie, lost her son Jacob, to SIDS. For those of you who don't know what SIDS is, it's Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. It's not caused by abuse, and it's not cause by suffocation, but just as the name says it is sudden. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, is the cause of death for more babies in the U.S. than anything else. Through the loss of her son, she has done a lot of good. Something that I very much so admire, and envy. She started this website and sends out "SIDS survival kits" free of charge, to bereaved parents. Not just parents of SIDS, but as you know I lost Serenity to preterm labor. Stephanie knows this, and still sent me a kit. Because I am a bereaved parent. She informed me of someone nearby who may be in need of support, because of a recent loss.

http://www.tinyhandprints.org/thphome.html

So I got the first part of my kit sometime last week. It came with two books. One little bitty book, that has big words. In other words, it takes less than an hour to read. It's called A Time To Grieve. It tells about the grieving process, and possible ways to cope (not specifically about Infant death, but death in general). Then the big fat book, which is very informational, and very intriguing and it's called SIDS & Infant Death Survival Guide (formerly the SIDS Survival Guide, but had been recently revised for other causes on infant death.)

If you go to the Tiny Handprints website (see the link above) you can request your free (Infant Loss) SIDS Survival Kit. Keep in mind, you do not pay for these kits. It is non-profit, and I am sure she would appreciate any donations. Donations are not required, but greatly appreciated. 

Holidays and such.

be·reave/biˈrēv/

Verb: Be deprived of a loved one through a profound absence, esp. due to the loved one's death

So holidays are normally hectic around here. And with as much as we've lost this year, it seemed even more so hectic, and overwhelming than the normal holidays we are used to.

Shane didn't get off work and home, until about 6:30-6:45 Thanksgiving morning. So I let him come home and come to bed. I got up about 8:00-8:30, got ready and my sister came and picked me up, and we went to my dad's. When I got there we started cooking, and work our butts off (well some of us anyways) and the entire meal was ready buy noon, and Shane arrived. We ate, let our food settle, then we left on to our next Thanksgiving voyage.

We came home, freshened up, then back out the door within 5 minutes to head to Shane's Grandmother's house. On the way there we had car problems, had to come home, borrow Shane's dad's car, then we were back on our little journey.

As soon as we got to our destination, I gave Shane's cousin, and his Aunt a hug. Donicia, Shane's cousin, went to her car, and came back with a little gift for me.

She had it made out of a natural stone. It is so beautiful and it already has it's own special place in our house. As bad of a day I had, THIS surly put a smile on my face. It's not the fact that I got a gift (okay, maybe a little ;)), but the fact that SOMEONE was thinking of Serenity, and they showed it to me. I love all of these little reminders that she is being thought of. <3

Yesterday, Someone gave me a stuffed animal piggy bank that sings and wiggles it's ear! It's so cute! If I can get a video of it, I will post it. :)

Serenity,

I love you, you know that. I miss you so much. I wish you could have been here with us for Thanksgiving. It would have made it so much better, because no matter how bad my day was going, YOU would have been there. I survived though. Thats all I can say. There was a lot of crying, but I survived. And next is Christmas. Christmas is going to be the hardest. I am having people write you letters to put in your stocking, and I will read them to you on Christmas. I already have a bunch of stuff for you. The only thing that is missing is you. I love you baby.

For those who would like to take part in the "Letters to Serenity" Here are the details..

To all my friends & Family I have a special request. As I have struggled with a way to remember Serenity at Christmas, a friend told me about something I am looking forward to trying. The idea is to fill a stocking with letters or notes or even emails to Serenity. I will be hangin a stocking every year for Serenity and would love to fill it with these cards or notes. They can be for me, for Serenity and can be simple or however in depth you prefer. You do not need to feel obligated by any means. Serenity is a part of my daily thoughts and on Christmas I plan to read these notes. Her stocking will be hung yearly and I hope to carry this new tradition on filling it every year. To everyone who thinks of us, thank you. To everyone I know who walks the path with me, thank you and I will be thinking of you and your children this holiday season as well.

If you would like to send cards, letters etc.. you can send them here:

Cally Rawson (and/or Serenity Mitchell)

341 Jones Lane

Lincoln, Alabama

35096

Direct emails here:

rawson.cally@gmail.com

Thank you. <3 And have an amazing holiday season.

So this is unlike me but,

I left something out in my last blog! So instead of editing the other blog, I decided to start a new one so everyone would know that they missed something. So sorry about this, but I had to.

Serenity's Uncle Drew and Aunt Val, went to the beach the weekend of Halloween, and Val was telling me they were walking along the beach, and she found something. She said it reminded her of Serenity, so she brought it to me.

Angel Wings for Serenity ♥

I absolutely LOVE it! I'm pretty sure it's a broken sand-dollar, but it is very special that they were thinking of Serenity. I love you guys! :)

To commemorate your first Christmas in heaven

Serenity,
So Saturday, your daddy and I went and bought a few things, to commemorate your first Christmas. Since you are in heaven for your first holiday season I will be sure to keep your things safe for you, but I wanted to show you what we got! :)

HOT Pink Butterfly Ornament
When I saw this I
immediately thought of you.

Your very first Christmas stocking!
(still needing your name at the top)

"Every life leaves something beautiful behind"

You daddy and I bought this back in July,
but what a better time to share it with the world
then the Christmas season!

 The next few things are mommy's, but I wanted to show you what I got too.

This was one of those things that I HAD to have,
as soon as I saw it!
A "Serenity Angel" pin.

It's blurry, but it says "Serenity" on the back.

{I like how this picture came out so good you can actually read the WHOLE Serenity Prayer}
I wish I could stick one of these in every Christmas card I send this year.
If I could afford to, I certainly would!

Over the next few weeks, I will be acquiring more and more things to commemorate your first Christmas, as I would if you were here. We will be getting our Christmas tree very soon, and replacing our star tree topper with an angel, in your honor. Mommy loves and misses you very much, and even though you can't be here to celebrate this momentous occasion with us, we will still celebrate. Everything we do, and every tradition we carry out, we will be thinking of you. We will be celebrating the birth of someone else's child, also taken too soon. ♥

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the Serenity 

to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

Taking as he did,

this sinful world as it is,

not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life,

And supremely happy with Him

forever in the next.

-Reinhold Niebuhr

Little Piggies

Many of you already know that I collect piggy banks for my beloved daughter, Serenity. This is the first time I've ever publicly told the story of why. It is short and sweet, but by far one of my favorite memories of her.

Back in May, shortly after we found out we were having a girl, Shane and I decided if we wanted to be prepared to have this baby by October, then we needed to get an early start. So we started putting money back. I decided, why don't we get a piggy bank for her? We can use it now, then when she is born it will make a great keepsake!

So we went to Walmart, and a few other stores, and couldn't find a piggy bank anywhere. All we could find was a Winnie the Pooh "piggy bank", which would have served the same purpose, but it was not quite what we were looking for. W wanted a REAL piggy bank! A PIG! I mean com'on! Whats the point in having a piggy bank, if it is not a piggy, right?

We searched a few more places, and could not find a piggy bank, so I said - Screw this! I'll make one! It still wasn't exactly what I wanted, but it was but it was fine because it was so personal. I bought a plastic "cookie jar", and stuck her name on it with sticky, glittery, letters.

May 21st 2010

Serenity's 1st "Piggy Bank"

A couple days later, Shane came home from work with a plain white box, with a little pink bow on it. It was from a friend he works with's girlfriend. I opened it up, and there was the cutest little piggy bank it it. She was wearing a bow, and had hearts all over her. Apparently, Shane had told his friend, Scott, about our piggy mishap, and Scott told his girlfriend, Amy, and Amy went and found us a piggy! It was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for me.

Piggy Bank from Scott & Amy

"Jesus Loves Me"

A few weeks later, we were making our regular weekly trip to Walmart, to buy groceries. As usual, I gravitated towards the baby section. Guess what I am to find? A piggy bank. On clearance, and it's the LAST one left. I immediately informed Shane that we HAD to buy it! (We had to buy it, because we weren't using the one Scott and Amy had got for us. I was worried, if we did, it would break.) I was amazed, and amused that after all of that searching we did for one, and WE finally found one, and for $7 at that! The only thing was, it says "Baby's First Piggy Bank" on it, and we knew it wasn't her first. Shane said - It's the first one her PARENTS bought her, so it's still her first. I agreed.

The first piggy bank Serenity's PARENTS bought her.
After she passed I wrote her name on it with metallic paint.

Well, before Serenity passed away, we had and unspoken agreement, that that would be it for the piggy banks. After she died, it was all I could think to do for her. So from then on out, I knew that was her thing. Ever since then, if money has permitted it, I have always bought HER piggy banks, on an impulse buy.

Serenity's 3rd Actual Piggy Bank

Serenity's 4th Piggy Bank

Serenity's 5th Piggy Bank

I am hoping to one day have a bunch of little piggy banks, in honor of my baby Serenity! ♥ That is what makes me think of her the most! My mom loved piggies too, so thats something they have in common!

All of her piggies.

So a little has changed...

So I have been working very hard on trying to spruce this place up a little bit. Let me know what you think of the new header and font on the date & post titles. Hope to have a new blog coming soon. As for right now, I'm gonna turn in early. Also, before I go, I just want to let everyone know how grateful I am to have all of you as supporters! Thank you so much for taking this journey with me. It is a hard one, and good friends can never hurt! Thanks again! Goodnight everyone.

4 months you've been gone.

Well. It's been 4 months baby girl! How could I have ever managed 4 months? I can't even believe it! It has been 4 of the most agonizing months of my life, and it has went by so quickly. I always wonder what you'd look like, or how your personality would be. What milestones you would be surpassing.

I was talking to my friend earlier, and I was telling her that I wish it was still July 11th, or July 12th. I know that sounds crazy, but if that were the case, you wouldn't be such a distant memory, to everyone but your daddy and I. "Old news". You would still be fresh on everyone's minds. People would remember you, without me having to mention your name.

I miss you so much. You know it, I know it, and everyone in the world (who reads this blog) knows it. I just don't ever want anyone to forget you. I want people to mention you without me having to initiate it. I want people to acknowledge that you were a living breathing person. I want people to realize that I lost YOU, an BABY. You weren't some dog who died. You were MY little girl! My daughter! My flesh and blood. My family. I didn't just lose you. I lost a part of me.

You mean so much to me. You are my child. The love of my life. Created by the love of two people. I never knew I could create something so beautiful, until I first laid eyes on you. I never knew I could love something, SOMEONE, so much until that pregnancy test came up positive, until I first saw you on the ultrasound. Until I felt you kick for the very first time, until I found out you were a girl, until I saw your beautiful little face staring back at me for the first, and last time. As you grew, my love for you grew.

That is the best explanation, for you not being here, I can give to anyone. I loved you more than is humanly possible. You received a lifetimes worth of love, in just 6 short months. That was all you needed, so you left.

You are loved more than you will ever know. And I know your Grandma Brita is taking very good care of you for me. I love and miss you so much baby girl! Happy 4 months in heaven! ♥

The past week or two...

It has recently come to my attention that not everyone is as sensitive to the fact of my loss, and this blog, as others are.

People can sit there and scoff at the fact that I am doing this, and accuse me of writing this blog for attention, but honestly, I AM.

I AM writing this blog for attention. Attention for my daughter. For all of the people who have been through something similar. To let them know you are not alone. For the people who haven't been through something similar, to let them know this can happen those least suspecting. And lastly, for me. To help me work through my grief. To try to come to terms with what happened to me, and to seek supporters.

So yes. It is for Attention THANK YOU VERY MUCH! You can disagree with it all you want, but it's not going to change what I'm doing. Serenity was a LIVING BREATHING PERSON, and should be treated as such. If you don't like how *I* am reacting to the death of MY daughter, you can click on the little 'x' in the top right-hand corner of this window. I don't want readers who are going to judge me for how I am choosing to grieve. I mean it is MY choice, right?

On another note


Serenity,

The weekend before last was race weekend! How fun! NOT! Nascar, what a great excuse for loud unruly people from all over the continent to come to a very small town, and bother all of the residents! Yeah, you can tell I'm not a fan, huh? Lol, I did have a good weekend though. I watched Kar for the weekend, and Aunt Donna & Mike came down for the races. We cooked out and Donna and I drank Bloody Marys. They were sooo good!

During the weekend, I cracked one of my molars, then half of it fell out. So Tuesday, I went to the dentist and got my tooth pulled. He had a hard time getting it out, but after 12 shots of lidocaine, I didn't feel a thing.
That was almost a week ago, and my tooth still hurts.. I am pretty sure I have dry socket, but lots of Aleve & Tylenol should keep me afloat for awhile. If it gets any worse then I don't know what I'll do.

Okay, in the state of Alabama, usually when or before you go for WIC pick-up they assign a mini class. You can take this class either online, OR you can come to the office early and that the class. Either way, class + quiz. If you do the class thingy online when you get finished with the quiz, you have to bring them a code so you can pick-up your next 3 months worth of vouchers. The classes this time around were about breastfeeding and non-breastfeeding. Why should I have to read the literature, and take the quiz about these things when I never got the option to do these things.

So I wrote this letter to the people who handle WIC for the state of Alabama:

Hi, My name is Cally Rawson.
I am a recipient of the WIC program, and have been since about March of this year. 

I had my daughter in July, and she passed away 7 hours and 34 short minutes later, due to premature birth.

I also recently had to renew my WIC. I had to take the same Nutritional Education courses that a mother with a living breathing baby does, yet I don't have one. This is a mandatory course for someone who wants to continue their WIC for the allotted 6 months, after they have their baby.

Is there anyway to come up with an alternative course, for the many like me who doesn't get to bring their babies home?

Please take my request into consideration. It will be very appreciated by me, and all the other mothers who are still receiving WIC after their baby's untimely passing.

Thank you.
Cally Rawson


This is the reply I received:


Ms. Rawson, 
Personally and professionally, I offer heartfelt sympathy to you and your family for your loss. 
I apologize for the action taken by the local WIC clinic in asking you to complete nutrition education that was inappropriate for your situation.
Please let me know the clinic where you are a participant, so we can offer guidance to the staff.
Thank you for letting us know.
Jean Fulton

Jean Fulton, MS,RD
Director, Nutrition Services
Division of WIC
Bureau of Family Health Services

It made me so happy to get an immediate response, and it also made me feel like I accomplished something for me and everyone else who is going through a similar tragedy. Maybe nobody else who has to visit the same clinic I do, will have to take the course when it has been deemed inappropriate by the director or nutrition. This made my day. :)


I love you Serenity and you life, as short as it was DID have a purpose! :)

Music for the soul

I made a list of songs that get me through the rough times, and I embedded them here. Here is a list of the songs.

1. Hello by Evanescence
2. Breaking Inside by Shinedown
3. Slipped Away by Avril Lavigne
4. Where'd You Go by Fort Minor
5. If I Die Young by The Band Perry
6. Streets of Heaven by Sherrie Austin
7. Please Remember Me by Tim McGraw
8. Fall To Pieces by Avril Lavigne
9. Lightning Crashes by Live
10. Believe by Brooks and Dunn
11. When I Get Where I'm Going by Brad Paisley (featuring Dolly Parton)
12. I Hope You Dance by Leann Womack
13. Loosing Grip by Avril Lavigne 
14. The Crow And The Butterfly by Shinedown
15. Praise You In This Storm by Casting Crowns
16. Daughters (acoustic) by John Mayer

Hope you like them & if you have any suggestions, let me know! (You can comment here anonymously without having to sign up)

Gonna post later this weekend, or the beginning of next week. If you know me, you know I live in Talladega, Al. Home of the Talladega Superspeedway. Races are in town, and it is hectic.

Edited: New songs added 11/8/10

1. Serenity by Godsmack
2. Falls On Me by Fuel

Edited: More New Songs added 11/10/10

1. Mad World (cover) by Adam Lambert
2. Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls
3. Broken by Lifehouse

In my normal state of boredom, I was browsing the internet, and I stumbled across this..

What Makes A Mother?

by Kay Green, www.PreciousKids.org

(This is where I found this: http://www.mypreciouskid.com/articles/what-makes-a-mother.html)

Copyright 2001-2008

A mother can come in may forms:
~A mother can be a woman who conceives, births, and raises a child given to her by God. She is what we as a society see as a mother.

~A mother can be a young woman who finds herself pregnant, unable to parent, who chooses life for her child by placing him for adoption. In choosing life for her child she becomes a mother. She will not be that baby’s parent but she is his birth mother.

~A mother can be the one who prays for a baby she does not carry in her womb. She becomes the mother and parent to a child given in adoption. She is there in the night, in sickness, in health, in joy, and in sadness. She is her mother.

~A mother can be a woman who takes on the care of another’s children through foster care or guardianship. She gives her life to loving them. They see her as mother.

I read the story of a man who parented a little boy that he believe to be his biological son. At age 10 he found out he may not be his biological parent and considered leaving the child. I thought how sad. He is the only Father that child knows. He IS his father. Blood alone does not make you more of a father or not.

I am a blessed woman. God has blessed me by allowing me to be a mother to 4 wonderful children. Three of them I gave birth to. One we adopted. Yet I am mother to all of them. There is no difference. My love them will last a lifetime and is unconditional. I am their mother!

What a blessing from God to be called mother. It is my highest calling!

Where in this 'article' is it mentioned the mothers who carried their child, but never got to meet?

The mothers who got to meet their children, but only for a short time?

The mothers who met their child, after their passing?

Where is it mentioned?

Are we any less of a mother, just because we never had the option to be there in the night, in sickness, in health, in joy, and in sadness? Or raise a child given to her by God.

Why does that make us any less of a mother? I carried my daughter for 6 months, went into LABOR (yes, real life LABOR!), and gave birth to her. I loved her, and still do (more than anything in this world!). Does it make me less of a mother just because she can't be here in my arms? Just because society doesn't get to see her?

I've got news for people who think like this. I AM A MOTHER! And I would have been the best damn mother there was! Serenity is still my daughter, and I am still her mother. If her death couldn't change that, then nothing can.


Mommy loves you my sweet, sweet, Serenity! ♥

I love our angels!

Just a few gifts for Serenity for her due date & Halloween.

For all the little angels:


Especially for Serenity:




More for Serenity, and all her angel friends:

I made you and all your friends some gifts! I hope you like them! ♥ Mommy loves you and misses you very much babygirl! I hope you had a good day!

Love,

Mommy.
♥

Monday, October 25th, 2010

My beautiful Serenity,

The seasons are changing,. The days getting cooler, and shorter. The leaves are changing colors, and the holidays, are fast approaching.

Tomorrow is going to be hard. The day you were, finally, going to be in my arms. The day we'd, finally, get to kiss your gorgeous little face. The day we'd get to bask in the glory of the beautiful life we created.

But that is all gone. Shattered and ripped to pieces, as is our hearts. All we have left is a bunch of stuff you'll never get to use, ashes, and things you'll never get to admire.

I spend my days broken hearted about "what could have been", "what SHOULD have been".

Tomorrow should be the start of late nights, early mornings, crying, giggling, diaper changes, and so many more wonderful (and not so wonderful) things. And all we have left are ashes.

Why are WE the lucky winner of ashes? What did WE do to deserve these ashes? I don't want ashes, but it's all I have left of you. Ashes and a bunch of tearful memories. Memories too painful to remember, but too precious not to forget.

Tomorrow you would have been born. In a few days would have been your first Halloween. You'd still be too small to get out in the cold and trick-or-treat, but it would have been your first holiday, and mommy still would have done something special for you.

Next month, would have been your first Thanksgiving. Not anything too eventful, but it would have been the first time we got to take you to family get togethers, and show you off to everyone.

Soon after would be Christmas. You would have had your first Christmas tree, first Christmas presents, and not only your firsts, but the first time mommy and daddy got to play the part of Santa Claus.

If Halloween is this hard for us, how is Thanksgiving and Christmas going to be? We haven't even hit the biggest holidays yet!

I can't wait to meet you again babygirl. And next time will be much better, I promise. I hope you are being well taken care of, and given plenty of love. I hope you can feel the love that your daddy and I are sending to you.

We miss you so much!

I love you.

Love,

Mommy.

Thursday, October 21st, 2010

Hey baby, I know it has been a little bit since I have written. Sorry. There has been a lot going on around here.

Sunday evening, we went to your Nana's house. She cooked some wonderful food. Fried chicken, mashed potatoes (I can't remember what else, but I'm sure it was good too!) She also made us (me and her, because your daddy doesn't eat it) some banana pudding! It was so yummy!

I finally got to give her that calendar I had made. Remember me telling you I had something for her, but couldn't tell you what it was? Well thats what it was. I hope she liked it!

I also finally got the Infinity Circles Necklace i had been waiting for, and all the charms!

I have the "Serenity", "Daughter", and the "Family" charms, and will be getting the "Love" one soon. I cannot wait! :)

Tuesday night, I went and stayed the night at your "Aunt" Melissa's house. She thought I might need to get out of the house. It did help to get my mind off of things for a minute though. She colored my hair, and put some highlights in it. It looks good, I think. No pics though. Lol. Maybe one day, but not today.

Anyways, we really miss you around here. A LOT! I hope you are having fun with all of your angel friends in heaven.

I love you.

Love,

Mommy.

Friday, October 15th 2010 - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Hey baby. Guess what?! Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. It is a day where all angel mommies and daddies light a candle, and think of their precious babies who went to heaven too soon, such as yourself.

I was so honored, when I woke up and SO MANY PEOPLE had wrote you name on my Facebook wall, with hearts surrounding. It was so sweet! Also, all the Pictures tagged in you honor. It was really heartwarming. People who never even knew you love you. That has to feel good. People we do and do't know, said a prayer, and lit a candle in your honor.

Your best friend Alexis's mommy, Allie, sent me the most wonderful text message this morning, with a picture of you and playing "Sissy's Song" by Alan Jackson. She didn't know but that song has great significance to me. It was the song played at your Grandma Brita's funeral. I loved it because it made me think of you and her, and how you are probably up there giving her hell, just like I did. She is probably saying "You are just like your momma!" You look like your daddy, and you act like your momma!




Those are the types of things that make me laugh and cry. I miss both of you so much.

On another note. I got a few things in the mail I have been waiting for.











































I am so proud of this bracelet. Now I everyone can know what I support. I got one for your daddy too. He is still wearing his (I am too, but duh!). So sweet. He loves you so much and misses you too, as do I and everyone else.

We miss you very much!

I love you, baby!

Love,

Mommy.






Wave Of Light pictures

Serenity’s Story

I am copying and pasting my story, from my other blog to here so people can read it easier, without having to go to two different blogs.. Here it is.

This is just a warning, this post is a bit graphic in detail. Not all of my posts are going to be like this, but I just want people to know exactly what happened because I have never gotten to tell my story.

It all started on Saturday, July 10th 2010. It had been a wonderful day, except my boyfriend, Shane, had to work which was nothing new. Six months pregnant, and loving every second of it. I spent most of the day talking to my baby, a girl named Serenity. She was my world and I loved ever second with her in it. I loved every move she made, and I was loving the fact she was a SHE. At some point during the day I made a picture for her using the “Paint” application on mine, and everyone else in the world’s computer to put as my desktop wallpaper.



The properties on this picture say Created: Saturday, ‎July ‎10, ‎2010, ‏‎2:35:43 PM

I was so excited. I went on with the rest of my daily routine as normal. When Shane got home from work we made our trip to the REDBOX and I was noticing the whole way there Serenity was very active, kicking hard in the lower regions of my body (if you know what I mean). I didn’t think much of it except it was annoying and she was going to end up being a soccer player when she got older. We made it home with our movie, and Serenity finally started to calm down a bit. Sherlock Holmes starring Robert Downey Jr, Jude Law, and Rachael McAdams. We watched the movie, got finished with it about 9:00pm. Shane had to work the next day so after the movie he talked to Serenity, told her he loved her, gave her a kiss and kissed me, then rolled over to go to sleep. By that time I had started cramping, which I tried to pass of to be Braxton Hicks (and was complaining about them on twitter). I just could not for the life of me get comfortable.

I kept tossing and turning in the bed, keeping Shane awake. He turned over to me and asked me if I was okay and if I needed him to take me to the hospital. I told him yeah I was okay, I was cramping but it was probably growing pains or Braxton Hicks (I figured it was probably about time for them to start at almost 26 weeks), and I was going to take some tylenol and soak in the tub to see if they would let up (i didn’t want to go to the hospital and them tell me I was dumb, it was just braxton hicks and send me home). He told me if I needed him to yell for him.

I went and run some hot bath water, got in the tub and sat in it. As soon as I sat in the tub it was like instant relief. My relief was short lived though. I started feeling like I had to.. um, go? So I went and sat on the toilet and nothing. I took some stool softener that I had ok’ed by my Dr, thinking I was just constipated and got back in the tub. From that point on I was back & forth from the tub to the toilet. The last time I sat on the toilet, I had a sensation that felt like something coming out of me, and I felt down there to make sure but there was nothing there at the same time I threw up everywhere. In the full bathtub, in the floor, on myself. I sat there for what felt like 5 minutes before I actually processed what had just happened, then I screamed at the top of my lungs for Shane.

He was up from a deep sleep and in the bathroom where I was in .02 seconds. If I hadn’t been in so much pain at that point, I probably would have been a little bit more worried about brushing my teeth, and getting cleaned up before we left, but all I could do was lay in the fetal position in the hallway. Shane took less than 5 minutes to get clothes on and grab his keys and help me up off of the floor and down the steps of our porch to the car. I laid down in the back seat of the car, because I could even sit up long enough to get to the hospital.

The drive from Lincoln to Talladega took about 5 minutes, Shane talked to me the whole time. I told him to hurry up, but don’t get pulled over, and he assured me we were going to get there as fast as we could.

The whole way there went something like this:

ME: “What time is it?“

SHANE “XX:XX”

ME: “What time is it now?”

SHANE: “XX:XX”

My contractions were 1 minute apart the whole way there.

We pulled up at Citizens Baptist Medical Center and Shane helped me into the Emergency Room, and there was nobody at the receptionist desk. The ER was full so I was thinking -CRAP! This is going to take forever!

A woman waiting in the ER told Shane to just go on back and find somebody, and a very short time later Shane came back through the door with a man pushing a wheelchair. As the man proceeded to push me to L&D Shane told him that he had parked in the tow-away zone and he needed to move his car before A.) they towed it and B.) an ambulance came. He told Shane that while I was being hooked up to monitors and being checked he needed to wait in the waiting room anyways.

I got up to L&D and the nurses were asking me all kinds of questions (it all happed so fast so I don’t really remember any of them.) They got me in a room and in a gown and onto a bed. Hooked me up to the monitor that measures the baby’s heartbeat, and the one that measures contractions- but they never paid any attention to them after that.

The woman checked my cervix, and her eyes got real big and said “There’s a head!” I told her it wasn’t possible, it was too early.

She just looked at me and said “You’re having a baby today!”

Shortly after Shane walked into the room and said “Whats going on?”

I told him “We’re having a baby today”

He said “No! It’s too early!”

And I told him “I know, thats what I said!”

At that point Shane was on my right side holding my hand, and a nurse was on my left side coaching me, telling me DO NOT PUSH. I remember one of the nurses saying something like “If you keep pushing I am going to lift you up by your feet where you can’t push” I was trying to tell her I couldn’t help it if I was, there was so much pressure down there it felt like I was pushing when I wasn’t. I asked for some pain meds, but they told me that I was too late into labor that if they gave them to me now it would get to the baby.

The longest part of that night/morning was waiting for the ON CALL OB/GYN, Anesthesiologist, and Pediatrician to get there.

When they all three finally got there it was time. The OB, Dr Dase, came in and checked me, and broke my water only to discover that head they felt earlier was really a butt. She was breech. I was fixing to give birth to baby who was 3 months early, and breech with NO pain meds!

The Dr had to put both of his big man hands inside of me and help her through the birth canal. Telling me to push. The whole time they are telling me to push I am saying “HOLD ON I CAN’T! WAIT!” they told me they couldn’t wait because they needed to get her out and get her stable. So I just pushed. Pushed harder than I thought I ever could screaming the whole time, finally I felt her come out. I probably broke Shane, and the nurse’s hand in the process, but the only thing I was worried about was Serenity’s safety. My baby had arrived at 1:12am on July 11th 2010.

They rushed her straight to the other room where they called the hospital with the NICU in Birmingham, Al and made sure they were on their way. After all night of trying Shane we finally got in touch with some family & friends to let them know what was going on we finally did, all at once it seemed. Shane’s mother rushed up there as soon as she found out.

The NICU team finally got there and got her stable and before they left to go to the NICU they brought Serenity into the room to see Shane and I. She was all I could focus on even though they had me signing all kinds of consent forms, I told them to do whatever they had to do to keep her alive. Through all of the cords and things they had her hooked up to, I could see her little eyes looking at me, and her little foot justa moving. She was gorgeous.

At about 6:00am they left the hospital and exactly 7:13 (I still have it in my call log) I got the call that they had made it safely to the hospital, that Serenity was stable at that moment and they told me to call every so often to check on her, but not so much that it would take away from her care. They also told me that when I got out of the hospital if rather than driving an hour everyday to see her we would like to stay up in Birmingham, they would put us in a L&D recovery room free of charge.

At exactly 8:36am I was in the bathroom and my phone rang, I told Shane to answer it and put it on speakerphone so I could hear what the Dr was saying. The doctor told Shane that she coded and they tried to revive her for over an hour with no luck. There was nothing else they could do. As soon as I heard that I ran out of the bathroom and got on the phone. Shane and his mother were crying, but I couldn’t even muster up a tear. I was in pure shock.

The man told me word for word what he had just told Shane and I just sat there calmly and listened. He put a NICU nurse on the phone and she was crying to the point that if I hadn’t been listening so intesely, I wouldn’t have been able to understand her. She assured me that they did everything they could do, and informed me that they could take pictures of her and send them to me. I agreed, that is what I wanted.

A few hours later, when some family and friends arrived to sit with me so I wouldn’t have to be alone, Shane and his mother went to the hospital with the NICU. They sent me pictures from the NICU and texted me how beautiful she was. While they were gone I had a bunch of visitors bringing gifts, and bunch of awkward silences. Nobody knew what to say. I didn’t even know what to say. I was heartbroken.

Finally everyone left the hospital, (I am not sure of the exact time or even what hour in the day it was) I sat there by myself and just cried, and cried, and cried. For what feels and probably was like hours.

Shane and his mother finally returned from the hospital carrying all kinds of goodies that the NICU had sent to us, and with more visitors, and more awkward silences.

Nothing eventful happened that night. Just crying. Alot of crying between Shane and I.

The next day about 10am I got released from the hospital. Shane and I carried all the stuff we had accumulated at the hospital to the car and headed home. When I got home I cleaned up the mess I had made before we had went to the hospital took a shower and shortly thereafter Shane’s mother took us back up to the hospital in Birmingham. When we got up there they had her all ready for us, wrapped up in a blanket, with a cute little knit hat handmade, probably by some little old ladies. I sat there holding her and rocking her giving her kisses and telling her how much I love her.



Soon, the hospital chaplain arrived, and baptized her.



She is now and will always be our daughter. She was apart of our lives for 6 months, and will continue to be as long as we live. We may talk about her, but that is because like any other parent WE LOVE OUR DAUGHTER and that is our way of keeping her memory alive. I love you, Serenity Morgyn Mitchell.

If you would like to share thoughts and comments feel free. Any unwanted and unwarranted comments, will be deleted.