Hey sweet girl. I miss you sooooo much! I know loosing you was not my fault, I never try to blame myself because I did everything right when I was pregnant with you.
No smoking, no drinking, of course no drugs- not even over the counter unless my dr ok'ed it.
I just regret the fact that I, your mommy, could not protect you the way mommies are supposed to for their babies. I miss you more and more each day, that is for sure.
You know, I see these girls all the time becoming pregnant and pretty much taking it for granted. It couldn't happen to them, right? Wrong. It couldn't happen to me, yet it did. I took my pregnancy for granted after a certain point, and look where it got me. 6 weeks, good. 10 weeks, better. 14 weeks, wonderful. 20 weeks, noting could go wrong! I want so bad to just warn them about what could happen, but I don't want to scare the crap out of them.
My cousin, Molly, recently informed me that she is in fact pregnant. I am so happy for her, I guess because I don't have to warn her. She knows what could happen. It's happened to her before. I'm not by any means saying, what happened to her is good. No, it is awful. It is always awful to loose a child- weather it is a baby, or a grown person. What I am saying is her 2 angels will help her be cautious. She knows what could happen. She knows that she is not immune to baby loss.
Just carrying a baby is work. That is no doubt, but if you are just going to go on with the regular routine- with no precautions, then what the hell is the point? I don't know. I guess I will never know.
Your due date is getting closer, faster than I would have ever imagined. I thought I was getting better, but now I don't know. I still cry alot, but I feel like the past day or so has undone all of the emotional healing I have been doing since you have left. I don't know how to feel, and I don't know what to say most of the time. I guess it is finally sinking in that I will never get to hold you in my arms ever again. I'll never get to kiss you ever again, and I'll never get to do anything a mother is supposed to do for their babies. Now or ever. All I have is your ashes, sitting in the most beautiful urn, and alot of pictures, and a few heartbreaking memories. I would give anything to have you at home with your daddy and I. I know he would too.
There is so many words going through my head right this second, but I have absolutely no clue how to even begin to express them. All I know is that your daddy and I love and miss you so much.
Anyways, My day started earlier than usual. Your aunt Val called me right after my alarm went off and asked me to watch your cousin, Karson. of course I couldn't pass up a chance to watch my favorite two year old. I spent most of the day up there.
Tomorrow, my day will be spent sitting here, at home, waiting for UPS to deliver our new DISH receiver/dvr. The dvr on ours stopped working, and we can't even set reminders or auto-tune. It is also making some annoying clicking noise. We have to send ours back and if they determine that something WE did messed it up, then they are going to charge us anywhere from $150 to $500. They shouldn't have any reason to believe that though, because we never even touch the thing. To turn it on/off we use the remote, and there is no other reason to touch it.
We miss you so much!
I love you, baby!
Love,
Mommy.
It's in his heart
8 years ago
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